2013 ~ SHARE WITH US

Hi all. Very sorry for no updates since september...There are a few reasons for me staying away but still I'm back for you all. To start with, let me post the complete story of YET ANOTHER REJECTION. Its pretty long so kindly read it with patience.!! Please don't curse me regarding the length of the story. Not my mistake :p

Scroll down for the story. Keep smiling and do share your valuable feedback. Regards, Sriram Mallik.

Yet another Rejection (Since 10th May 2009 to 12th May 2012)

Dedicated to My Princess "The saddest thing in the world is, loving someone who used to love you but now hates you” How did I meet her? It was 10th May 2010. I was doing my 6th semester project work. I was done with my exams so was altogether free. For the past 4-5 days I was following a post on Orkut in “The problem with love is...” community. A girl posted “An easy way to die?” I don’t know what made me to reply on that post probably because something was written in my future. I replied with “I can tell you an easy way. Contact me.” Then I searched for some other posts from her in the forum and I found one more post saying “I just had a breakup”.

After reading that post I got the whole story. I visited her profile. She was just 17. Her scrapbook was locked, album was locked and her headline was “I am just 17 and I think I have lived long enough” or something like that. I felt she is too depressed, so I decided to follow up with the girl to talk about this. Before that I didn’t talk to anyone personally on that community, but destiny had something else for me so it had to happen. So I replied with “I know a very easy way to die, drop me a message when you are online, I’ll let you know.” She replied “ok tell me.” I said “Not here, add me on Gmail or YM. I’ll let you know”. I wanted to know what happened to this kid. She gave me her yahoo id and I added her and she added me on orkut as well. I checked her album. The album was good, liked one of the pic the most. It was a pose with her whole family. Here pictures were cute, was looking like a child. So after adding on YM our conversation started. I asked her about her story, what happened, why she wants to die at this age. If there is a valid reason only then I’ll help you otherwise not.  She started telling me her story. I was listening. I had empathy with that little girl. Generally whenever I hear some sad love story I feel bad, as already had some bad experiences. So finally when she completed again she asked “Now tell me an easy way to die.”
I said “No, it’s not valid reason to die. That guy doesn’t deserve you. If you want to die then die in love with right person. You will enjoy that.” We had long argument on that. She was unhappy that I didn’t help her but I wanted to help her in some other way. I was feeling bad that why did this happen to this kid. Really she was a 17 year old kid at that time and still she is. Then we started discussing our where about. The very first day I skipped my lunch because I didn’t want to leave her alone.

She was talking so thought lets indulge her in this only. She will feel easy. She was in her 1st semester of BE with EEE branch. So this was our first conversation. After that we kept talking. Now in 3-4 days she was so comfortable that she used to tell me each and every thing and I too like her big brother or dad used to listen her. This was her daily work. After coming from college without changing her dress the very first task was to ping me either I am online or not. I too knew her timings so always was online by that time. And after Hi , hello she used to start since morning whatever she did at home, in college, her fights with mom, friends, each and everything. I too used to like that. If I interrupted in between then she used to say “muh mat chalao, suno pahle”. I liked this. For almost first 20-30 minutes she used to tell me her story since morning. Whenever we were online we used to talk. If we are online for the whole day we talked for the whole day without getting bored from each other. In between I used to make her calm about her fights in college, about her ex-boyfriend. She is too bold, so always have some pangas in college. I used to enjoy her stories and laugh at the way she describes. Soon I got the feeling like she is a kid who is too closed to me and who trusts me too much. I did never know that in the process of making her feel comfortable and to help her to come out of that situation, whatever love and care I was pouring on her, treating her like my daughter and pampering her, one day I’ll only fall in love so badly with her. We used to share each and everything. From our past life to whatever was happening with us. I still remember one day she met with an accident and got hurt in stomach. She asked about my love story too. I told her about my first year love or whatever it was. Our bonding was getting stronger and stronger as a friend. Since the time, she came back from college; we used to talk for hours. One day her dad wasn’t well. He has blood pressure problem. He had to go to the hospital at night. She pinged me at night but I wasn’t online at that time. In the morning I saw her message. I was worried; I couldn’t talk to her until she comes online. I was cursing myself, why did I go offline early at night. She needed me and I wasn’t there for her. In the evening she came online and then she told everything that now he is fine. I was relaxed. On that day she told me that she doesn’t care about anyone but loves her father too much. Generally every girl is more attached to her father only but my, this kid was really a kid at home too, so lovable to everyone.

Few days spent and I started liking this girl. I was feeling something special about this girl, had a soft corner for her. I used to like talking to her. That was attraction for sure but I told her. I thought be honest and tell her whatever you are feeling and it was a blast to her. How foolish am I. We had spent hardly 10 days since we started talking and I said I am feeling this way. But she didn’t take it seriously. We kept talking, talking, talking for the whole day. She used to say bye in a different style “bhag jao, get lost, hurrrr hurrrrr”. Huhhh....stupid girl. By the way, I too learnt this from her and I started using this. Till now she hadn’t shared her phone no. Though I asked many time but she didn’t. I used to wait for talking to her. I never wanted to miss a chance to talk to her, to listen her stories.

When did she give me her phone no? And her first birthday with me It had been almost 1 month since we started talking. We had become close friends by that time at least from my side. I was about to go home after my project completion. Her birthday falls on 15th June. And I was leaving on 14th June for home. I thought I will be in train at that time, how would I wish her. So I asked for her no. Though I asked no of times before but she never gave. I was feeling like she will take me as I am desperate. But still I insisted this time because I wanted to wish her differently all the time on that day. She will feel happy. So finally after lot of efforts she gave me her no. She was kind of insolent and still she is. She gave me her no saying “lo maro”. I wasn’t feeling bad. I was happy that she gave me her no. I called her at that very moment. And I heard her voice for the first time. Her voice wasn’t like I am talking to a 17 year old girl. Voice was little much matured than her age but good voice.

For the first time when I called her up, she was sad or angry. She is very confused. She cannot decide how to express and what to express. She can have lots of emotions at the same time. No one can find out whether she is sad or angry or what. Her mom yelled at her because her brother got placed in Infosys and she said I wish he shouldn’t get his joining letter.

I asked “why did you say that?” She said “because I don’t want him to go far from me. I don’t care for anyone but I don’t want him to go.” Hahaha....few days back she said I don’t care about anyone except my father but now she is saying I don’t care about anyone except my brother. Probably this is her style to tell how important someone is in her life. I always like her, this innocence. I tried to make her understand but she shouted back at me “mummy ne data, ab aap mat chillao” As I said she is insolent. But I didn’t feel bad. Actually I love this kind of her behaviour from the starting. You can fight, have arguments, can shout at, and can say anything with only one person who is too close to your heart. So I don’t feel bad when she does all this. She is too close to me, so she has rights. So I was smiling at her innocence and childlike nature. I wanted to give something on her birthday but what should I do? Then I thought that I will make a video clip but I don’t even have her pictures, what should I use? I collected whole of my creativity and decide to make it little funny. I downloaded some of the pics, got some good background music and at the end of it I put all her words what she says in our daily conversation. Over all it was good. When I was making I could feel, how she will react when she will see this particular frame. Definitely she will laugh once.

Then it was 14th June 2009. I was going home. Next day was her birthday. Before leaving from hostel I sent her that video. She wasn’t able to download. She was getting irritated so she said I don’t want to see whatever it is. I felt lil disappointed that I put so much of efforts and my feelings for her but she doesn’t bother. She wasn’t much excited about it. But I decided I’ll make her watch it as I knew she will laugh after watching this for sure and this will make her day. I uploaded it somewhere else from there she could directly stream it. I asked her look at it whenever you get time and she browsed it. And yes she felt happy, she laughed. I too was happy, at least she watched this. I left from the hostel. I reached Lucknow station at 8 PM and my next train was scheduled to arrive at 12 AM. We were texting to each other and I remember one of her message. She said “Take eye tonic by looking at pretty girls at station”. Then it was 11.45 PM and I called her up. I had already planned this that I will be the first person who will wish her 18th birthday and yes it was me only who wished her first.

Till 12 I was on phone with her, then she said “I am going to meet mom and will call u up later” and I hanged up. Then after texting for few minutes I slept. When I woke up in the morning it was the time between 6 or 7 AM and the train was at Tundla station. I was thinking she must be sleeping but still I called her up and yes she picked up the phone. This was the first time when I heard her “sleeping voice”. She looks more innocent and cute when she speaks while sleeping and I wished her again. From that day only I fell in love with her voice after waking up. At about 1 my train reached Jaipur. My phone was out of balance by that time. I looked for STD at station but there was rush and lot of noise. So I went out to call her and found an STD in front of the station. I called her and wished her again. She was too happy and she said “I didn’t get as many wishes in the whole day ever, as you gave me. Thank you very much K****.”

I too was happy because she was happy. I had the train at 4 for my place. I reached home around 6. And after reaching home I again called her to wish her.  She must have tired of receiving my calls. Then at night I again called her around 9 -10 PM. This is all what I could do to make her birthday somewhat special while travelling. I hope she was lil happier because of me on her birthday and I too was feeling satisfied and happy as I could feel her happiness. Since starting I like doing things for her.

Missing her at home and how did this friendship cherish? I was at home and I didn’t have internet connection. We were not that close at that time so could talk frequently on phone. I mean from my side she was close friend but had this fear if I call her frequently or text her, it will make a wrong impression. Before leaving for home, I took a promise from her that she will mail me every day and will tell me her each day’s story. One day when I went to cyber cafe and checked my mail, there wasn’t any mail from her. I felt lil bad as I was sure that she would have sent at least one mail to me. Anyways, I dropped a mail to her. Next day I again went. This time I saw her reply. I was happy.

At the same time some other up downs were going in my life. My one another relationship ( not a gf-bf thing) was at the verge of getting over. The day I was coming back to my college from home that relationship ended. She didn’t know much about this. I hadn’t shared much till then. After coming back I was depressed. I cut my hand and punched my hand on glasses, cried a lot, cursed myself. I hasn’t faced this phase even when the first girl whom I love asked me not to talk to her. Probably the more I was failing in relationships the more I was becoming emotionally weak. I shared the whole story with her. She used to call me every now and then to make me feel good. She too was facing lot of issues from her ex at that time. Whenever she called me I felt good that she cares so much about me. At the same time I came in contact with one of her friend or neighbour. She too became a close friend of mine though won’t be writing much about her in this but we shared a good relationship and still do (again not a gf-bf thing).

I still remember it was the starting of my 7th semester and I felt sick very badly. She used to call me every morning every evening to ask about my health. She scolded me one day. In fever I went 1 km on walk just to talk to my friend with whom my relationship got over. She used to console me in very good way. It really worked at least for that moment. For almost 2-3 months I was in very bad state. I used to cry and she used to console me. It had become almost a daily routine. We used to talk a lot but at that time we were limited to chat only. Very rarely we used to call each other. So the time was passing months by months. I was getting attracted towards her. I used to tease her with all those typical words which are used for girlfriend.

Many times she got angry, stopped talking to me. Then after sometime I too stopped that. But some chemistry was developing in my mind that was for sure. It was 7th sem. So I too was getting busy in studies. But still if some day there was no internet in the hostel I used to go to the campus at nights to talk to her . TCS was the first company to visit the campus in first round. I got placed in TCS on 31st Dec. After calling at home she was the first person whom I called but I think she was busy at that time somewhere. After that I had 15 days in college before leaving for my internship. During that time probably she lost her phone or she switched it off permanently but something happened. So while I was leaving for Bangalore I didn’t have her phone no and she had blocked me on Orkut too because I was falling for her, I don’t know at that time it was love or infatuation but something was there. So I couldn’t even say bye to her when I was leaving college. Then the first day I reached in Bangalore, tragedy happened. My all money, phone everything was robbed and just skipped from getting murdered on that day. That was the first time when I recalled her after my family. But there was no mean to contact her. No internet, no phone, nothing. So I had to wait, nothing else. So I joined intel for my internship. I used to visit her profile but she had blocked me.

For the first 10-12 days I was in trauma about what happened to me on the first day in this city. Then it was 9th Feb 2010 my birthday. I didn’t expect that she will get my new no and call me. I thought that she won’t talk to me again, was feeling bad but I couldn’t do anything. I was in bank opening my new account and suddenly after her friend called me, I got a call from her. I was shocked. I was surprised, was super happy that she called me up. We had a good chat and then she unblocked me and we again started talking. We talked about everything whatever happened during these days with us. But she still hadn’t mobile. So we were talking only on chat.

Sometimes she used to call me from her mom or her dad’s phone. But I couldn’t call her. So again we were flowing with time. My attraction was increasing and increasing for her. Meanwhile I got placed in Oracle too, got good company, good package. So tension from career side was gone. I was happy, feeling relaxed. This time also, after calling at home, I messaged her offline that I have to tell you something, call me whenever you get time. But she didn’t call, she said tell me here only. I wanted to tell her on phone but she wasn’t calling me so had to tell her on chat only. In June we again had a huge fight on this issue. I kept telling her about what I was feeling and she was scolding me to stay away. One day she called me from her mom’s phone and we had a fight and she disconnected the phone. She is always rude whenever she is angry.

She can tear my heart into piece with axe of her words and carelessness, whenever she is angry. She says so much bad things that I can’t listen to her. So she did this. I was feeling like a piece of shit. I don’t listen to anyone but I was listening to her. I was feeling like crying. By that time we had a good bonding. So it was unbearable for me that she is leaving me again. I called her up again on that no. And she blasted saying “it’s my mom’s no and how dare you to call on this no” and bla bla. She sent a rude mail too. I still feel goose bump when I read those conversations. So in this way this was the second time when she stopped talking to me. This time I was sure that we won’t talk to each other again in future and at that time I was feeling too sad, too lonely because I was losing a best friend too but I didn’t know that her absence will make me realise that I already had fallen for her in love and yes this time I am saying LOVE not attraction. It was 15th June 2010. Her 2nd birthday since she met me. I didn’t have her no, so only I could mail her and sent her an e-card. But she didn’t reply to my mail so I was sure she won’t ever talk to me again.

Love Realization..... I started missing her again. In office, at home I was feeling like something is missing. My internship completed in July and I went home after that. At home too I was missing her like anything. I had to go to college for my internship project presentation. I had planned that while returning from there I will go to her place to meet her friend who had become my lil sister. I went to her place and it was paining inside that I was so close to her but still so far. Her friend knew about this. We met at railway station. She asked me “should I call her to come here and meet you?” The moment she asked me this and tears came into my eyes and I said “No, don’t call. She won’t come.” She was about to call but I firmly hold her hand and gave her, my swear not to call her. I knew it she hates me. Why would she come to meet me now? So I didn’t meet her when I was in her city, so close to her. This could be our first meeting. I went home with the pain that I didn’t meet her. After 4-5 days I had to come again to Bangalore for my joining in Oracle.

So as soon as I reached Bangalore and I boarded the bus for my hotel I missed her badly. It has been 2 months almost since I didn’t talk to her. As soon as I reached my hotel, first of all I connected to wi-fi and visited her profile. I was blocked. I couldn’t send her friend request. I joined Oracle, got busy in work, searching home and everything. In office many times it happened that I am working and suddenly she came in my mind, her words, her smile, her accent and whatever mischief she does. I had a team mate. We were the only two people in my team who were located in India. So we became good friends. She used to tell me her love story and whenever I used to listen her, I started missing her even more. Many times I cried and wished if she could come back to my life. Meanwhile my sister’s wedding also got fixed. Her wedding was in November. I had already decided that I’ll send invitation mail to her too. I used to wish her on every occasion either it’s Diwali, Holi, Rakhi, friendship day, new year or anything without expecting her reply.

So I sent her invitation mail. But it was all of my surprise that she replied “I’m super happy. Congratulations!” and after seeing her reply I was mad. I replied her again “Can we talk. Can we be best friends again?” I knew it my feelings are more than a best friend for her but I was firm this time that I’ll have control on my emotions. She said “don’t think about this right now. Better do preparations for the marriage.” I replied “after that can we talk”? After this she didn’t reply. I was sad. She is a good person, she was happy after hearing my sister’s wedding news. It’s usual. Any gentle person will be happy by hearing this news and will reply to such a mail. So I thought she replied because she was happy on this news, but she doesn’t want to talk to me. I have lost her. After that I didn’t mail her.

My sister got married. In the marriage I was wishing if she could come over here. After returning from home I got too much work. By that time I desperately started missing her. I was so eager to talk to her, to meet her but I couldn’t do either of them. December passed. On New Year I didn’t mail her, didn’t send her e-card. I was thinking should I send her or not. Won’t it spoil her day? I passed the morning of 1st Jan 2011. In the evening I was checking my mail and what I saw was, it was her mail saying “happy new year”  and I was extremely happy. Soon I replied “happy new year to you too. Are you online?” She replied “yes”. I sent her friend request and she accepted and after 8 months we were talking. I didn’t take much time in asking her phone no.  And she gave me too. My hands were shivering while I was dialling her no. And I heard a sweet voice “helllooooooooooooooooooooooo”. It was such a relief to my ears. I was feeling like I have found some treasure or something. On that very day I realised what I have missed all these 8 months, I was crying. I wasn’t so happy even when I got placed. It was such an awesome feeling while I was talking to her. I closed my eyes and was imagining her around me. We talked almost for an hour. But I thought fine if I love her but I didn’t let this feeling come in between us. It was just impossible to get her but somehow she came back. I didn’t want to lose her again. So I’ll talk and will keep my feelings within me only. I had already felt that I love her but I was ignoring it but this was the day when I completely accepted this fact.

Love was in the air...and I was falling for her everyday She added me on facebook. We again started talking like mad. Whole day we used to talk either on phone or on chat. I had thought that I won’t let my feelings come in between but chemistry was working. Chemicals in my mind and heart were doing some other blasting reactions. Everyday I was falling for her. I started liking her each and everything. She had changed a lot than before but still for me she was like a small kid, like my daughter. Everyday I used to visit her profile to look at her pictures. Though I had saved her every picture from facebook or orkut but still seeing her on her profile was something different. One day I was thinking about her and missing her too much. I was sad. We were talking in messages. Don’t know how she finds it out whether I am upset or not. She asked me. I tried hard not to tell her but she is also a stubborn. She gave me her swear and said to tell everything. I told her everything “I think it’s working again. I am not able to hold my feelings back”. She listened this and said “done? Or something else is also there in heart then, say it. You will feel good”. After that many times we used to talk about this. One day she stated questioning me what kind of girl you want, why do you love me so much and all. Whenever she asks me these questions, I like to answer her because I get a chance to tell her how much I love this stupid girl.

Whenever she used to call me from her side or text me first, I used to smile that she too is missing me  and still I feel the same. I feel on cloud 9 when she calls me or messages me without my text. Her everyday’s story description had changed. Now she wasn’t like before that whenever she will come online first thing she will do is to ping me and tell her story for first 30 min. No, it wasn’t like that now. I didn’t like it; she grew up in this. She wasn’t like a small kid anymore. I didn’t want her to grow up at least for me. It was very rare now that she is calling me first or texting me first. It used to happen only when I am upset. But whenever I called or texted she used to reply immediately but she wasn’t taking initiative. One day I asked about this and she said it will boost up your feeling, so I don’t call from my side. Whatever, but this things used to etch me.

On 2nd Feb I got the news from my manager that I have to go to US for 1.5 month. I was happy. I didn’t even spend one year in oracle and I got the opportunity to visit US HQ. I told her. She too was happy. This date will again bring something for me next year, I didn’t know this. I will hold it back until I reach to 2012 that what this date had in future for me. As always, with her, my happiness, my luck came back. If she goes from my life, nothing is there and when she comes back, everything is there. Then it was my birthday 9th Feb 2011. Before that 2 days back only we had a fight and she shouted at me badly and said so many thing “dude, I can never be your girlfriend. Mujhe kya chutiya samjh rakha hai jo bar bar samjhati rahu. I don’t love you”. I was expecting that she won’t wish me. And yes, she didn’t wish me. For the whole night whole day I waited. I was sad. But she didn’t wish me. I dropped her a message “Hi, what are you doing” kind of on my birthday. But still she didn’t wish me. So the whole day was sad. I didn’t do anything on that day. In the evening when I came back from office, I thought probably now she will call, but she didn’t. In the evening my friend called me up for treat. I didn’t want to go, I wasn’t feeling good but I couldn’t say no to him. So the birthday gone and my expectation that she would be the first person to call me hurt me again.

Next day I called her. She was talking nicely. I thought I won’t tell her that I missed her yesterday a lot. But as usual I couldn’t hide this and I said “yesterday whole day I was waiting for your call”. She asked “why, what was yesterday?” and soon she realised she didn’t wish me on my birthday. She was feeling too bad. So many times she said sorry. I don’t like it when she says sorry. She asked me who your best friend is. I told her the name. She said “No, he isn’t, I am your best friend.” After hearing that, I felt so good; at least I am her best friend. For hours she kept feeling bad that she missed my birthday and I was trying to make her feel light. I was happy that I am her best friend, so what if she forgot to wish me. My birthday party was on 12th Feb at my home and it was only drinks party. On that day she was in the train. During that time she applied for RJ too. Till my birthday I was too much into her. On my birthday I drank for the first time and I drank too much. And on that day I realised, after drinking, a person misses his/her love the most. I was feeling her around me. I started crying in front of my friends. I was out of control. Until then only few of them knew about her but now everyone knew that I love her too much. Whole night I drank and texted her. I threw out whatever was there in my heart. I told her everything. “I have given a place of my wife to you in my heart. I love you too much sweety. I want to apply vermilion in your hair parts.” And she was asking me to calm down and said we will talk tomorrow in the morning when you will be in your senses. I wasn’t in my senses but that doesn’t mean whatever I said was not true. When I was too much high, I slept. I remember slightly when my friends were taking me to bed I was murmuring “I love you ‘D’....I love you too much”.

At night I vomited too. Next morning when I woke up, I was feeling embarrassed to go out of my room in front of my friends who know everything now. They told whatever I was doing last night. For almost 1 hour until I slept I was murmuring her name that “I love you ‘D’” and I was crying and they were making me to sleep saying that “yes, she too loves you. Now sleep”. Next day she called me up and asked “how are you”. I said “I’m fine”. She said “ok, just wanted to ask how you are. Bye”. I felt bad. I thought just for asking me this she called me up. Couldn’t she talk to me? Within 1 min she disconnected the phone. I wanted to talk to her. I called her up. She was angry and started shouting “daru peekar tamasha karte ho n all.” As I already said she is too, too rude when she is angry. I don’t know it’s with me only or with everyone. She can cut my heart into pieces, she can make me cry, and she can make me die, when she is angry on me. She said so many things and I was just listening. On that day we didn’t talk much. From next day we were talking normally.

On 18th Feb she joined as RJ in radio mirchi. From inside I actually didn’t like it. So many guys would be around her. Most of them will be flirting with her. Above all, anyone can propose her. What if she too starts liking someone? All these thought were occupying my mind. I was thinking that one day she will go away from me. She sent me her first recording. I am always a fan of her voice. I was listening to her recordings again and again. I still have those recordings with me. Whenever I miss her, I listen those tracks. One day when she was having a show, I called up at radio mirchi at her place as a listener. She only picked up the phone and she said hello in the same accent as she would say to her audience. As soon as I said hello she recognised me. Hehehe......it was such a fun. She said “K**** it was totally unexpected that you would call me here”. I always wanted to give her lot of surprises. She used to be always online since she joined this job. She had created one more facebook profile as RJ and was adding everyone on that profile. She used to talk with everyone whoever will ping her. So in replying me she used to take lot of time.

She couldn’t talk to me freely. I hate her that profile and those guys who don’t have any work and they saw a beautiful girl is RJ in their city and started chatting with her, flirting with her. I wanted to kill each of those guys, wanted to ask her to deactivate that profile. I asked many times in indirect way but couldn’t say directly that I am jealous of all those random people with whom you talk unnecessarily and don’t give me enough time. It happens generally when you are in love, every person who is taking your share of time, who is hugging your girl would be like enemy and that too when that girl is not yours. So I couldn’t do anything. So I used to call her now, so that she can talk properly to me. On chat she was always busy with her damn frustrating fans. Huhhhh.......

One day she was sad. I asked her many times what happened. But she didn’t tell me. I was trying to amuse her and yes she laughed too. To make her laugh, to make her happy anyhow, to make her surprise were the only goal of my life in those days. She said “why do you tolerate me so much”? Whenever she talks like this, I get emotional. Her child like face appears in my eyes. And a daughter like feelings comes in my heart for her. Whenever she used to be upset, her whole point of anger was me only. For the time being I used to feel bad that she always treat me like this but then I used to feel she can only do this with someone who is too close to her. And then I feel that she trusts me that I’ll never ever leave her, so she has all the rights on me. If she can’t get angry on me for something, if she can’t throw all her frustration and anger on me then I’m of no use. She is like a queen for me. Just want to do lot of things for her. At that time I didn’t expect much from her as she wasn’t in any kind of relationship with me. We were best friends, only I had feelings for her more than a friend. So all I wished was she should be happy with me. I can make her laugh.

So on that day after making her laugh, just because of curiosity I opened her facebook account to know if I can get some clue what happened to her. And yes I got the clue. Her result was declared and she got a back. I was lil depressed that why didn’t she tell me, although later she told me but before that I knew this. But when I was logged in with her ID, I saw two more chats at that time. One was with one of her best friend with whom she was chatting and saying “I think I like K*****”. Another one was with one of her senior, whom she pinged my facebook profile url and said “I have a small crush on him”. My heart was sinking; I was sad and happy both at the same time. Why the hell she didn’t tell me. Why is she not telling what does she feel to me directly. On that day only I decided I have to meet her as soon as possible. At that time I didn’t ask her anything but was feeling bad too and good too. So I was waiting to get a chance to meet her. I had to meet her friend too, who is my sister. And soon in the next month I had to go to Chennai for my VISA interview too. So I decided that I’ll go at that time. I talked to both of them and somehow made her to meet me, but still I was doubtful whether she will meet me or not.

I had VISA interview on 10th March. There is no direct flight to her place from Chennai. So I decided to go by train. I had visa interview in the morning. My VISA was approved so I was tension free. The only excitement now I had been to meet her. Excitement of going to US was nothing in front of this. I boarded the train from Chennai at 3 PM. I know how I was passing every single minute. We were talking on message but still that wasn’t enough for me. I reached to her place next day at 6 PM. I was so much excited. I called her as soon as I reached there. I asked her where to go and she was guiding me go from this gate and catch a auto. I was lil sad that she didn’t come to receive me then only. She was somewhere at hostel with her friends. She could come here but anyways I was expecting too much and that too from whom, who doesn’t have any feelings for me. I don’t know if she had or not. I got the hotel. She was about to meet me next day. I didn’t have anything since morning. I was starving. It was around 7.30 PM when I reached hotel. I reached there and had food first. I was so tired to have bath even. Soon I got the call from my sister that she can meet me now. Thank god at least some one can meet me now. She was in a marriage near my hotel only. So she asked me to come soon. I changed quickly and reached over there. We were meeting after 7-8 months. She is always shy whenever she meets me. I was so happy to see her after such a long time. She started teasing me “so you have come to meet your sweetheart, not to your sister”. Actually the reason was D only; otherwise I had plans to meet my sister after coming back from US, so that I can give her whatever gifts I’ll bring for her from there. She called D that I am with her and about the plan when to meet next day. D wanted to come with my sister to meet me and I didn’t want that. With her I will feel shy and won’t be able to talk to her. D told her that she has a show in a college tomorrow, so she can’t give me much time. I was broken. I came so far to meet her and she doesn’t have time. If she would have come to my place, wouldn’t I cancel all my meeting either it is with VP or anyone to meet her? Anyways again my expectations only hurt me. I talked to her and she shouted on me “Kya hai”? After that I couldn’t talk to her and handed over the phone to my sister. So finally she decided to meet me when she will be returning from her coaching near about 8.30 AM and will be with me for half an hour or so. I was sad. I came so far to meet her for half an hour. But I couldn’t ask her anything. She wasn’t mine.

After the marriage my sister had to go home. Her bf was with her. He was going with her to leave her at home. It was 11 PM. I too went with him and I called D. I am coming there. You just come to your main gate. I’ll see you and leave. But she didn’t agree for that too. Her bf said to leave her at some corner of the street but he asked me “do you want to go ahead”? I said, “no”. Whole night I was upset that she can’t give me proper time but I don’t have any other option except being sad. I couldn’t sleep whole night. Next day I got ready early and reached at the place where she asked me to meet at 8 AM. My heartbeat was up. I didn’t know how I would react when I’ll see her for the first time. Actually I wanted to hug her. It was 8.30, 8.45. But I couldn’t see her. I was walking to suppress my excitement. I was so nervous. After that I saw some two girls were taking turn on their vehicle. I could see some blurred face. It was she only. She shouted from there only “uncle, kaha ghum rahe ho”. Everyone there was looking at her and me. I thought what a dumb girl, even a girl friend doesn’t shout like this. She came, shake hand with me. Her friend was with her. For some time she talked to her. Then she called her best friend to wake him up. I was standing there like fool. Why is she wasting time here and there? Can’t she see I have come to meet her? Then her friend went and she finally smiled. She was on her vehicle only. As the mall was not opened, so we were standing on road and talking there only. I am such a big fool. Since long I wanted to meet her and when she was in front of me I wasn’t able to talk to her. I wasn’t even able to look into her eyes directly. By that time the mall was opened. She was going to park her vehicle and I sat behind her holding her shoulders .

She jumped from there and I was worried that she got angry. She asked me to park her vehicle. Then we were going inside and some random girl was going from there. We were arguing about something and she said that girl will tease you. She shouted from there “suno, aapse kuch kah rahe hain”. She is such a stupid and bold. Exactly Kareena Kapoor character from jab we met movie. And that girl also came to me and started talking what do you do and all. Why couldn’t say at that time I fuck girls but not interested in you. I held D’s hand and went inside. She was laughing like a mad, was making fun of mine and she still makes my fun remembering that incident. None of the coffee shop was open by that time so were standing by a railing. Now she was standing too close to me. My heart beat was up for all the time she was with me. I put my hand across her neck and removed her clutcher. She looks damn good in unclutched hairs. I wanted to look at her, play with her hairs for my whole life. I wanted to stop the time right there.

I was continuously looking at the watch and the time was running fast. She had to go radio station. She was talking anything, might be was not feeling comfortable with me. So 20-30 min. We were standing there. Her phone was in her bag. She got a call so she took her phone out. Meanwhile I gave her, my slam book to her to fill it up. She made my fun on this too that are you child so carrying a slam book? Yes, I was a child, I wanted to capture that moment in every possible way. While she was filling up my slam book, her phone was with me. I was searching for something in her phone. I was looking for by what name she has saved my no. I wanted to see that name by what name she calls me. But before I could look for it she saw this. She took it like I am reading her messages, looking the pictures and she shouted “don’t you think you are doing wrong.” I felt ashamed. I gave her phone to her. In the first meeting I had a bad impression on her. She was seeing the pictures in my phone and she notices her pictures too. She got lil upset on this and said “why do you have this”? I said “pictures are nice”. It was time for her to go. I wanted to stop her. I asked her “you knew it already I am coming. Couldn’t you say no? It wasn’t like no one can do show without you”. She gave her reasons. I asked her to have one photo with me, I insisted a lot but she refused for this too.

Then also I felt bad. Couldn’t she have a pic with me? I wasn’t giving her. I wanted it just for my sake. If I talk about something then she always has reasons, “are you like other of my friends, so why are you comparing yourself with them? Is taking photo is the only proof that you are my best friend; if it is then ok you are not my best friend. I don’t want to keep any memory so I don’t want any picture or gifts.” And I can’t answer all these questions. She was leaving. We came down to her vehicle. I had already decided that when I’ll meet her I won’t talk about that chat what I read from her facebook profile. I had brought something for her. It was a dress. I gave her while she was leaving, but she refused to take it. She didn’t want to accept anything from me. At that time I couldn’t stop myself. I talked about that chat. And she said that was infatuation for few days, nothing else. She didn’t want to accept about her feelings. She saw what it was for her. Somehow she kept that and left. I was crying that she is leaving. Couldn’t she say no for the show when she knew it already that I am coming. I didn’t go to hotel after that. I didn’t want to go. I was missing her too much. I was roaming there only. Soon after that my sister was about to come. She came around 11-12. I was upset; she too knew this and was teasing me “bhaiya, aap to humse milne hi nahi aaye. Wo chali gayi to muh bana rahe ho”. She said this in such a innocent way. Somehow I brought smile on face. She was with me for 2 hours. D’s show starts at 1 PM. I listened her first time on air when I was there. D has to come in that mall only for show. I asked my sister to call her and ask can I come to her show to see, as I was afraid that she will shout at me again. She called but D asked her to give me the phone and yelled at me very badly. Whenever she shouts at me, tears automatically come in my eyes like a child.

At that time also, I was holding myself back since morning as I was out. She asked me not to come to her show. My sister left then and I was alone. I was standing on the road when D will come and go, I’ll see her. And yes I got a chance to see her. I was hiding myself because if she saw me, she will again shout at me. She came there. I wanted to go to her, hug her, hold her hand and take her away from there. I saw whatever she was doing holding some paper, was coming outside, and going inside. I was there only until she left from there. In the evening she had to go college for show. I asked to come along with her there also but she denied. She could take her friend there with her but not me. When nothing was working to be with her then I said her to meet in the evening. She said “I’ll see but it’s hard to come. I’ll be late.” The whole day I didn’t eat anything, was not feeling to eat something. For the whole day I was around that mall only. I knew it if I go to hotel, I’ll feel bad and will cry hard. I was missing her too much. Till evening I didn’t get any call from her. Around 7 PM I got a call from her. She asked “where are you? I want to meet you? I want to talk something.” I said “I’m near that place only”. She said “ok, I am reaching there within 10 min.” And here is the biggest stupidity one can ever do. I don’t know what made me to think that she will accept me now. I was looking for a temple, was running on the road without eating anything. I was feeling so tired. I found a temple, I was smiling. I prayed that whatever I am thinking, it should happen in this way only. And the again I started running back to that mall. One more idea clicked in my mind. She likes chocolates a lot. So I bought a packet of chocolates. I was at the shop only and she called me “I have reached. Where are you?” I said “here only, reaching in 2 min.” Again my heart beat was running very fast. I was feeling butterflies in my stomach that probably she will accept me today. As soon as I reached there I saw one of her friend is with her, same guy who went to her show with her. I gave that packet to her.

But she refused to take it, and handed it to me saying that I can’t take it. Then she handed over that gift also to me, which I gave her in the morning saying that whole day I thought about it, I can’t keep it. Throw it, burn it, do whatever but I can’t take it. How can someone say so rudely about a gift and that too from that person who loves you and you too say him as your best friend. She said I am trying to make you understand I don’t love you. Nothing can happen between us. To make you understand I bring my friend with me. To make you understand I lied to my mom. Her friend also said she doesn’t want to be with you. I wasn’t able to speak anything in front of him, so I asked her to give us some time. I said “ok, I am leaving. You too go home. But I can’t take these gifts. I brought this for you with so much of love.” She refused to take it too, so I threw it on the road only, as it was for her only and I left from there. I wanted to cry out loud. I was roaming on the road. Deliberately, I was walking in the middle of the road, was not listening to anyone in the hope if someone can hit me. I bought a packet of cigarette and started smoking. This was the first time when I smoke. It was too hard to take it inside. After smoking you feel lil giddy. I wanted to forget the whole day whatever happened. I started feeling dizzy. Still I was smoking. I smoked the whole packet in 1 hour. My head was so heavy. I didn’t want to go back to the hotel. I wanted to stay at that mall only. Her memories were around it. At about 10 I called her. She didn’t talk properly. I asked her to have food and cut the call. Till 11 I was there only where I met her in the morning. Then I returned back to hotel. I was so tired, was crying out loud. I didn’t have anything in dinner too and went to the bed. Next day I had to wake up early as I had the train at 8.10 AM. I wasn’t able to sleep. In the morning hours I got some sleep. In the morning I got ready, went to that place again where I met her, and spent some time over there and then left for the station. I didn’t want to leave that city, that place.

I was feeling like if somehow I can shift to this city either my company’s office should get open here or my parents should shift here somehow. I left with a heavy heart with lots of memories, lots of broken expectations. She didn’t bother to call me or text me in the morning. My train got late. I only messaged her when I see she won’t do it. She asked me “it’s all upon you if you want to talk to me or not. If you talk, your feelings will get strong. So better if we don’t talk now”. I couldn’t do that too, so I said “I’ll manage but can’t choose the second option”. My throat was burning. I hadn’t slept at night too. So as soon as my train arrived, I got my seat and slept. I woke up around 2 or 3 PM. Again I missed the food. Today she had to go again to that college for rock night show. She was asking me what to wear. She gave me all of her options. I asked her to wear the same dress what I gave her  and it was the best option too in all of the available options. It was a party wear dress and I knew she will look super sexy in that dress. My choice is not that bad especially when I am purchasing something about girls. Finally she wore that dress only. I was happy, at least she wore it.

US trip and how I lost her I had flight on 18th March. I boarded the flight and sent her a last message from India. I was dreaming if she could be with me here. I reached Singapore. I had a layover of 3 hrs there. I reached there at 6 A.M. In India it was 3 A.M. I called to my sister, as I was told strictly whenever you reach call either at home or to me. After calling her I called my sweetheart. I was missing her too much. But she didn’t pick up the phone. After that I kept trying her no but she didn’t pick up. My next connecting flight was at 9.30 A.M. Just before boarding I called her up again. Probably now she would pick up as its 6 AM in India and she usually wakes up early. But this time too she didn’t pick up. I was disappointed. I had to go. For next 10 hrs I won’t be able to talk to her. I reached San Francisco near about 12 PM. It took around 2 hrs to clear immigration and all formalities. One of my teammate came to receive me. I wanted to reach my hotel as soon as possible and get a chance to talk to my sweety. I reached at my hotel. It was around 3 PM there, so I didn’t call her. She might be sleeping at this time. I too was tired because of jet leg. I didn’t even take bath and slept. I woke up at 9 PM. Nothing was there to eat. I ordered pizza. Meanwhile I connected my laptop to wi-fi. Next day was Holi in India. I called at my home and then called her. I asked her to come online. Then I asked her if she could turn on her webcam. That was the first time when I was seeing her online. My sister was also there. D was looking too good. I wasn’t able to hold my feelings and I was murmuring “I love this girl too much”. She heard that. Her expressions were like she is angry. She used to go to radio station in the morning and till evening she used to be there. And during that time, all time she was online. And for me it was night. In my day time she could be online maximum by 1-2 AM in India but I had office work too. So I used to talk to her at night only. Somehow I fought with my sleep just to talk to her continuously. Going to sleep at around 3-4 at night and waking up around 7 became my routine. In my early morning she could come on webcam. So I couldn’t miss that chance too. Sometimes she used to scold me to sleep at night. But how could I, for me nothing had more importance than talking to her. I had spent no of sleepless nights. I was too much into her that in sleep I used to call her. One day she made me to sleep and before sleeping I said I want you to be here with me. She said yes I am coming. So after sleeping also she was running in my mind and I don’t know how I called her and said “you asked me to come but still you are not here.” I was acting like a child. She was laughing and she made me to sleep again. Next day she told me what did I do. I was mad about her. I too was laughing, I am crazy for her. Whenever we used to have video chat I clicked her pic in every style.

One Sunday I went to San Francisco. My hotel was in bay area. So it took around 1 hr to reach there. I was alone. There I took the hip hop bus. All couples there were making me jealous that my darling is not with me. One couple was sitting just in front of me. There were cuddling, kissing each other and I was missing her like hell. I wanted her there with me. I wanted to roam there holding her hand. Everywhere people were making me jealous. I reached at golden gate bridge. There too couples were hugging, kissing each other. I already had considered her as my life. I was seeing the dream that I got married to her and we came again together and she is with me. I was lost in the dreams completely. Anyways I had a great time there. One day wasn’t enough to see all the places. There were so many hot chicks around. But not even for a single minute I forgot her. I was comparing every girl with her and everytime she was getting more point than those chicks either it is in comparison of smile, or her eyes or her talking accent or her figure or her hairs. She is just the best for me. I don’t like any other girl in front of her. It’s not like I don’t look at other girls. I enjoyed everything. My eyes were scanning those girls from top to bottom. But neither those girls’ shot dresses nor their sexy figure was fading away her presence from my mind. After scanning them always I came to the conclusion No man, My D is the best in the world in all of the possible ways, at least for me if not for others. I can’t think about any other girl except her. Whole day I didn’t get a chance to talk to her. Sometimes I called her in between but couldn’t talk much. So after coming to my hotel I threw my bag and logged into Gmail. She wasn’t there. Meanwhile I had food. I told whole day’s story to her. I told her this too that I was missing you by seeing other couples around there. She had only one sentence for all these kind of my talks “pagal aadmi”. I stated liking even this “pagal aadmi” thing too.

Next weekend I was alone. I had no plans, was getting bored. She too wasn’t online so I could talk to her. So I went to Palo Alto just to roam around. There was a couple point and all the couples were busy in smooching, cuddling. Every time she is on my minds and these entire scenes act like cherry on the cake. I too wanted to be there with her and smooch her. But she isn’t even mine and how can I think about that. I concentrated somewhere else. I went inside a shop. There were all ladies stuffs. I liked a dress too much. It was bit costly but my queen was on my mind. I bought that dress for her. I bought one duppatta for my sister. It was Chinese one; I bought the same one for her too. I was imagining her in that dress. It was a kind of top with full sleeves. She is slim so it will suit her.

One day I was talking to her online. She was busy. I asked what happened. She said “I am recording the show. My friend is coming here. So I will go with him”. After hearing this first thing clicked to my mind she could also do this when I was there. She meets him daily in the college, but still she is so concerned about him that she is recording the show in advance to give him the time. I came there for her from 2000 km but she couldn’t do this at that time. Her live show had to start at 2 PM on that day but she left around 9.30 AM only. Moreover she knew it in advance that I am coming. She could say no, I have to meet someone. Come on I too know, how the works goes in organizations. Sometimes she used to make me think upon this does she even consider me as her best friend? Being my girlfriend is a totally different story. I didn’t talk much after that on that day. All such things make me feel sad, a kind of pain I feel in my heart. She always have a patent answers for all my, such queries “are you comparing yourself with others? I can’t give you proof and all”. Could I leave her in 30 minutes if she had come to my place even as a friend? No, I could never, no matter if I would be in meeting with my VP or any other important stuff. She used to say you are my best friend and all so I would like to see that in her actions too. Why can’t she be so concerned about me like she is for her other good friends? It might be because they are there with her always, so definitely they will get more attention. But anyways I ignored this, making myself understand, I’m only sick of getting attention. On April 1st she made me such a big fool. She told me that there were lot of misunderstanding between her and her ex-bf. Lot of the things have been resolved and in the evening she is going to meet him. I asked “will you again be in relationship with him?” She said “don’t know, but if the things are getting sorted out then can think about it”. On one side I was happy for her that she is getting her love back. On the other side my heart was sinking that she will go away from me. Although she wasn’t mine till then but still I had some hope that if some miracle happens and she too falls for me, but there won’t be any chance for this now. But I put those feelings back, I was happy for this little girl, who cried a lot for her love. In those 2-3 minutes I imagined everything, now what will happen. Now I will have to go away from her, otherwise it will create complications for her. After a long time she is getting someone whom she loved. Let her be happy with him. I shouldn’t come in between. But later she told me she was making me April fool. I should have got angry on her. But I felt like I got my breath. Thought I couldn’t talk to her after that as I was crying. On that day I realised what will happen to me when she will really go with someone else. But I had to accept this fact that she is not mine. Someday she will fall for some else and will fly away.

One day I was sitting in the office. I was missing her too much. I took a letter pad and sketched something. I am too bad at sketching. I scanned that and sent to her. It was a sketch of me and her holding hands together. Next day she saw the sketch and she was too happy. She said you are too sweet. Many times she gave me this compliment that you are so sweet, sweetest person in the world and all. I feel good when she says all this about me. On the same day I did chit system also. Whenever I am not sure about something I do this. For time being I feel good. I made 4 chits and wrote on those chits, “never”, “within 6 months”, “1 year”, “after 1 year”. I prayed to god. Please tell me will she ever love me? Will she ever accept me? And I chose 1 chit. I opened it and it was “1 year”. I was happy that within 1 year she will realise my love and will come to me. I was so happy on that day. I didn’t tell her about this. It was 11th April. I was talking to my sister who is her neighbour. She told me that D’s marriage has got fixed. I didn’t no she was kidding. She asked D too that if I ask her, she will say yes. Soon I called D. I asked her “your marriage has got fixed”? She said “yes”. I said “you could give me a chance”. And she blasted and shouted at me “what chance. One day I’ll get married and you will never know.” She told me that my sister was kidding but she continued shouting. She asked not to talk to her again and said either be friend or don’t talk to me. She was not picking up my phone. I was crying hard. She was leaving me again because of me only. I decided ok I’ll be friend with her. I will kill my feelings. Thought it will be hard and I didn’t know how much time will it take but I asked to be friend with me at least. Her presence in my life is important. I don’t want to lose her ever. Somehow she picked up my phone. She said sorry too that because of me you cried. I can’t see she is leaving me. I see my every relation in her, a best friend, and a mother when she pampers me, a daughter when she needs love and I pamper her, a younger sister, and a wife too. So whenever she talks about leaving me I feel she is hammering on my heart. I get depressed. It was only a week after this fight. It was 19th April night for her. I was in the office. She slept early. Next day it was her best friend’s birthday. I called her about 11.30 PM her time to wake her up if she is sleeping. She said I woke up before only. Then we talked lil bit and disconnected the phone. She didn’t come online after that. Then I sent her a song “aa bhi jao” from gangster movie. In the evening I called her when it was her morning. I everyday used to call her in the morning to wake her up and to say good morning. She didn’t pick up my phone. I tried again but she didn’t pick up my phone. Then at night I was at my hotel. At her office time I called her again but she cut my phone. I was worried what happened now. She was online. I pinged her and asked her to pick my phone. But she didn’t. On chat only she replied me I don’t want to talk to you anymore. Her brother was at home in those days. She said “I told you bhaiya is at home. He read that mail the song you sent me. He read all the chats and now he wants me not to talk to you. So it’s over.” I had gone mad, what did this happen. I called her again. She picked up my phone and shouted very badly and asked not to call her again. I was crying. She was leaving me and she was shouting at me so badly. Nobody shouted at me like this, not my parents, not my sister, no one. She wasn’t listening to me. I was cursing myself for doing this mess. I slapped myself hardly 3-4 times for this. She deleted me from facebook, blocked me on Gmail too. She wasn’t replying to any of my mail. I was calling her again and again.

After 3-4 trials she picked up my phone. I was crying bitterly and she continued her shouting “I lost trust in my brother’s eyes. He will never trust me again. He will tell this at home now. It was my best friend’s birthday today and you ruined this day. Thanks for doing this. Never call me back again. I don’t want to hear you again in my life”. And she disconnected the phone. I kept calling her but she ignored my call eveytime. Once, someone else picked up the phone. She too shouted at me that she doesn’t want to talk to you. I was feeling like a dog. Everyone was shouting at me. I couldn’t say anything to her and cut the phone. I asked my younger brother to call her and ask her to talk to me once. She called me and shouted again “you don’t respect even your brother. How could you ask him to call me”. I was saying sorry, I was crying but she was shouting, shouting and only shouting at me. After that I wasn’t able to call her. My no was blocked now. I mailed her saying sorry and everything but she didn’t reply to any of my mail. I was disheartened. Whole night I kept crying. I wasn’t able to talk to her. In the morning, somehow I managed to go office. I was so low. I didn’t have breakfast or anything and went to office. There also I couldn’t work. I didn’t have lunch. I was looking at her photo only. Her words were echoing in my ears. I was thinking why God did this. I love her too much. I want to live with her. I have seen so many dreams with her then why he had to break my heart. Why he made me to choose that chit in which it was written “1 year”. She has left me. She won’t talk to me again. I was in very bad state of mind. I hated myself. Usually I don’t like myself much. From that day this hate increased more. I was so frustrated, I couldn’t bear that pain. Next night I cut my hand because of this hate. I wanted to kill myself. I was energy less. Whole day I didn’t eat anything, and then I cut my hand. Blood was flowing. I let it flow. I didn’t stop it. I was crying hard. And when did I sleep I didn’t know. Next day again I had to go to office. My team mate knew about the story, who came to pick me up at airport. He asked me to be ready in the evening and will go to bar. I came back to home. Again I missed my dinner. I burnt my hand with a knife where I cut it. I wanted to hurt myself as much as possible. At night I went to bar with him and I took the hardest drink available. It was too hard. In half of the glass I was feeling dizzy. Still I took 3 pegs. I was completely out of my senses. We were talking about her only. At that time her pic was my phone’s wallpaper. He saw her pic and said her smile is too good. Everyone comments this only about her. I too die to see her smiling face. Even when she smiles at phone, I close my eyes and imagine her right beside me. It takes my breath away. I was feeling little comfortable. He dropped me at my hotel and left. I too kept looking at her pics and was reading our previous conversation and slept. When a week ago, we had a fight, I decided to kill my feelings but this incident encouraged my feelings even more.

One day I mailed her again to forgive me and not to leave me. She said her brother knows everything and he has told something to her parents too. So I can’t talk to you now. I was thinking when everyone knows at home then why not to tell them in a proper way what I feel about her. She has already left me. Many times before also she told me if my parents choose you then I don’t have any problem in marrying you. That could be problematic for her too. But she was leaving me forever. Might be her parents and brother will understand that I love her truly. I am not doing anything wrong to their daughter. So I thought to tell her brother everything and I mailed him whatever I feel about her. They won’t know anything until I tell them. I was expecting something good. I also wrote that it was from my side only, she was not involved so please at least don’t blame her. I also wrote that few days back I decided to only be friend with her. So I’ll be but please don’t ask her not to talk to me. But it worked in other way around. She got angry. She shouted at me on chat “you mailed to my brother. Because of you he won’t trust me again. I hate you. I won’t talk to you again in my whole life.” Whatever I did messed up the situation more. I made her to hate me. Her brother talked to me on facebook one day and he said that “it just can’t happen. Come out of your computer world and meet real people! It would be good if you don’t talk to her, otherwise I will have to contact your HR” and he gave me some name from my organization. I don’t know why he said that I will tell this to your HR. I just wanted to make bhaiya understand that I love her too much. I wanted to explain him what she is for me and I really want to marry her. But he finally said bye and ask me not to make any contact with her either by phone or mail.

Her same friend on whose birthday this happened also talked to me that you talked to her brother. Her family is very conservative. You are a loser and all. I had to listen to everyone. I couldn’t say anything to him too. I don’t listen this much to anyone. But I was listening a random guy who doesn’t even know anything, who doesn’t know me; he is saying me a loser. I don’t know why I couldn’t reply him because probably it was true that I am a loser as I lost my love. Eveything was dull without her. My teammate took me to Las Vegas as this was already planned and I couldn’t say no to them now. I had to go but I didn’t want to go anywhere. I went there. For 2 days we were there but at a place like Vegas too, I wasn’t happy. She was on my mind continuously. I knew it my no is blocked but still I used to call to her. I was missing her too much. I wanted to return back to India. I was feelings so lonely without her.

I was getting more and more depressed. I was counting the days to return back to India. On May 7th I had flight for India. I came back. I experienced hell on earth without her..... After coming back to India, for few days I didn’t try her no. When it was unbearable without talking to her I called her. She picked up the phone and shouted “I don’t want to talk to you. Don’t call me again” and disconnected the phone. She blocked my, this no too. I called her from my other no. This time someone else picked up the phone. This was her cousin. And she started abusing me. “You have got a simple girl whom you want to trap because you know you can’t get any girl.” She said lot of things. I am not writing everything here else again will spoil my mood for days. After having arguments with her I disconnected the phone. She didn’t let me talk to her. She blocked my, that no too. By that time her parents knew about me. Her cousin only told me. And it is causing problem to her. I wanted to tell her parents the right picture that she is not involved anywhere. She wasn’t in any kind of relationship with me. It’s me only who feels about her.

And if you think I am the right choice for her then I would request you to give her hand in my hand. I wanted to express all my feelings to them. Probably then they would understand I wasn’t playing with their daughter and then they won’t yell at her. So I decided to talk to her parents first and last time. I found out her no from bsnl directory. I was nervous, I was afraid. I didn’t know what can happen. I called on that no. She only picked up the phone. At that time her voice was too heavy, so I couldn’t distinguish it was her mom or she. So I said “Aunty, I’m K******”. She heard this and she started shouting at me “Fuck off. How dare you called at my home no.” Whatever move I was taking, was going in wrong direction. I explained her that I wanted to talk to your parents. She kept shouting “first you talked to brother. Now you wanted to talk to my parents. You are rotlu, chipku, pakau. I can’t marry a guy like you. I like no of people on road. I can’t marry everyone out there. If I find any quality in my husband like you I’ll divorce him then and there. You want to talk to my parents, Ok call in the evening and talk to them. If my parents also select you, I won’t marry you.” and she disconnected the phone. I called her again but this time her cousin picked up the phone. She started shouting and insulting me. She talked so dirty about me, my family.

First I was listening but when she started about my family, then I too started speaking dirty too her but she was way ahead of me. I couldn’t go to her level. I said something to her and then I controlled myself. Don’t go to her level. She kept abusing me and I was listening. I felt so insulted and humiliated that I started crying. I was in office at that time. She was making fun of my crying and everything. D was there only. She was abusing me and I could hear that D was laughing behind. The thing which was hurting was not that her cousin was abusing me but it was that D was listening this and she was laughing. Later on she told me that she wasn’t laughing, she was crying. But let it go. I could clearly hear her giggling behind and she was saying laughingly “aur mat bol”. I was asking her cousin to let me talk to her. But she was making fun of me continuously that I am crying baby and saying “see she is laughing at you”. She was speaking so vulgar that I never heard before any girl speaking like that. When she was done with her all the abuses, she asked to talk to D’s brother and gave me his no and she disconnected the phone. No one insulted me like this ever but for her I drank all that and above all she was laughing at this. I talked to her brother. Again the same thing “it can’t happen. All said and done. Don’t call her again.” After that I didn’t talk to her. Though I sent her mail but her replies were always rude.

It was her birthday again. I called her at 11.45 PM and wished her. She said “thank you” and disconnected the phone. I mailed her too. After whatever happened, my love hadn’t died for her and on that I felt too much love for her and sent her lots of love in the mail. Next day in the evening I called her again. She shouted “you have wished me. Now what? You spoke so much dirty about my sister, my family.” She was pointing all my mistakes but she wasn’t seeing that first her cousin started all this. She can’t tolerate this that I am speaking something dirty about her cousin and her family then how could she expect me to tolerate when her cousin is saying about my direct family and my real sister? What a partiality. She didn’t listen to me and disconnected the phone. She always does this. She says what she wants to say and don’t listen to other person and disconnects the phone. She was angry, I too was angry that she was listening everything and laughing. Again I called her because she disconnected the phone in between. This time her mom picked up the phone. She was too good to me. I too said “Namaste aunty”. She asked “beta, what do you. Where do you live?” It was lil shocking for me why she is asking all such type of questions. Then she asked “right now she is too young, we can’t think about her marriage too. What do you want?” I wasn’t able to speak to her. Somehow I got the courage and told her what I feel about their daughter and whenever you marry her please consider me as one of your option. She said “ok, we will see.” And we disconnected the phone. I was bit surprised she talked so calmly and talked about marriage.

After her birthday we didn’t talk to each other. I knew I talked to her parents, her brother caused her a lot of problems but my intention was not to hurt her. I was trying to make the things clear to them but it messed up. I was too much into depression. I was isolated. I was changed for everyone. Every small thing used to irritate me. I was becoming too much introvert and touchy. Anyone is commenting on me, I would listen to that silently and will cry when I am alone. Missing her all day and night, crying every night had become my daily routine. Many times I used to skip the food. Either I wanted to sleep all day and night or didn’t want to sleep at all. I was afraid of returning home from office as at home I used to miss her a lot. I created one another facebook profile with the name she gave me. I created a facebook page too and whatever I used to feel I was writing on that profile. Meanwhile I went home too. I showed her pic to mom. And told her I like her. But didn’t tell her about the whole story whatever happened till now. I used to feel every day too long to spend. Most of the time, I used to spend in office. I used to wish her on every occasion but didn’t get any reply and if at all she replied then it was rude saying that “don’t mail me. I hate you. Won’t you stop it? I don’t love you”. That time was horrible. It has been almost 6 months but still I used to feel her every word whatever she said to me. Still not even for a single minute she was out of my mind. Every night I used to see her in my dreams saying that “I love you K****”. I don’t know why did I have the hope?

Every morning she was the first thought in my mind. I used to imagine she is hugging me in the morning and after getting up too at least for 1 hr I used to close my eyes and used to feel her with me. I used to drink frequently as I felt her close to me whenever I drank. I could feel light. After returning from home I went to Thailand too for a change for some time. But it made my condition even worse. Whenever I am out of station or at home I miss her even more. There too I felt lonely without her. There also I cried remembering her. My colleagues knew about this. I called her up from there. I hadn’t heard her voice for a long time. I wanted to hear her voice. So I called her and I didn’t say anything otherwise she will shout at me again and this will spoil her mood too. I heard her hello and she only disconnected the phone when no one was replying her. On beaches I wrote her name. She was always with me like a shadow. Her smile, her words, whatever she used to say everything kept coming in my mind every minute. I returned back to India but nothing helped me to come out of that depression. My best friend also started drifting away from me as my behaviour had changed. I liked to live alone in dark room and sleeping and if not sleeping then lie down alone, see her pictures, talk to them, show my love to those pictures, kiss them , talk to myself alone, mimicking her words in her accent and laughing.

Then it was Diwali. I didn’t go home as I knew I won’t be feeling good and this will trouble everyone. So I preferred to stay in Bangalore only. I wished her but she didn’t reply, as it was expected. I bought a keyboard. I wanted to learn to play something since childhood. I joined keyboard classes. There too she came in between. I used to see her dreams, if she had been here, I would have played this song for her or I would have taught her how to play, she is sitting in my lap and I am holding her hands, her chick is rubbing again and again against my chick, I am placing her fingers on the keys and in between kissing her. Sometimes she smiles when I kiss her or sometimes for teasing me she used to give me angry look that you are not teaching me and kissing me. If she is angry on me then which song I’ll play, on her birthday which song to play, if she wants to have some good time with me then which song to play. So whenever I missed her too much, I took my keyboard and start playing. So time was going like this. In between I talked to her by chance. Her neighbour who is my sister was going through break up as her parents were talking about her marriage. I had a fight with her last night. At morning I called her.

By chance D was also there at her home and she picked up my phone. She started shouting at me “because of you she is crying for the whole night. You are a brother so be like a brother.” Come on, she is telling me how should I behave. She said “yes, I am her sister. So I can’t see her cry.” Both of them were speaking in the same tone. She too wanted to end this relationship. I was feeling like what am I? I said something which is wrong on her side and she decided to put full stop at this relationship? Anyways I don’t want to discuss that right here, but that was the time when I heard D after a long time and that too she was shouting at me. Thank god, somehow that relationship is still there.

After Diwali, I got the news from her friend that she got engaged and her marriage date has got fixed. She told me that “Bhaiya, I asked D to come and be with me on my engagement but she didn’t come. And on the same day she came to some other function with her parents at the same place”. I was angry on D. When someone trusted her so much and asked her to be with her, couldn’t she go? On that day she way saying lot of things that she is my sister and can’t see tear in her eyes. Would she do the same in her sister’s marriage, won’t she go in her engagement? So I mailed her saying all this but she didn’t reply. For this too, later she taunted me that you teach me how to have relationship with Di. Wasn’t it wrong that she didn’t go on her engagement? She complains so many times that D never calls her. Isn’t it wrong? If I was trying to make her understand I was doing something bad? By that time my sister didn’t ask me to attend her marriage. I already had decided that I’ll go to her marriage, if she invites me or not. If she doesn’t invite me then will go and silently come back without meeting her. I will see her one last time, as after marriage there would be no contact with her and no chance to meet her. I needed marriage venue so I mailed to D that could you please tell me the address. But she refused that she can’t give without asking her, if you want to meet her then come before marriage and meet her. Someone will tell her how she would meet me before marriage when there are only 10-15 days in her wedding. I didn’t insist her after that. After few days my sister talked at home and invited me to her wedding. I was super happy. Till now, no one knew at her home that we are still in contact. I too didn’t expect that aunty will call me and invite me. She too is like a child. I always wanted to see her in that bridal dress.

There was one more reason of excitement. I knew this D will also come in that marriage and she is too close to her so she will be with her for whole night and would be in best attire. She won’t do the same thing again what she did on her engagement and will be with her. So I would get a chance to see her constantly for such a long time. So I booked my tickets for her place, before that I sent some honeymoon dresses to her as she was not getting good dresses over there. I was happy for her. My lil sister was getting married. I reached her place. Don’t know why whenever I reach her place that city gives me the feeling like it is my city. I have lots of memories attached with that city.

It was 2nd Dec. my sister’s wedding day and my eyes were looking for D. Everywhere I was trying to find if she is there. I was too nervous. I didn’t know anyone there so I was feeling little awkward. I was sitting on a chair in the last row and suddenly someone passed by me and I was sure it was she only, though I didn’t see her face. I turned around and from the back side I saw it was she only. Since then my eyes were following her only. She was wearing a yellow suite and since I was seeing her after a long time so she was looking extra cute and sweet. She went inside to meet my sister and came with her. Then she set down in the front row with her mom. First I was hiding myself from her. She will get angry if she notices me or probably leave from there. But my heart is mad about her. How could I stop this stupid heart when my princess is around me and when she is looking too beautiful that don’t talk to her? I texted her “Can we meet once?” first she looked here and there, where am I? I was right behind her then she replied “Don’t try to. I am with my parents”. I insisted “just for a min please?” She denied and said bye. By that time she didn’t see where I am. I went to give the gift to the desk. She was also there. Probably there only she saw me for the first time because as I reached there she moved away from there. Then she went with her parents to have dinner. Her mom was also looking at me. She must have told her that he is the culprit. She was hiding herself whenever she was passing by me. She knew it I am staring at her constantly. My heart beat was already up. She was in simple salwar-suit but still she was appearing so beautiful and stunning. But I was thinking how stupid she is that she is wearing a simple suite not even party wear on her sister’s wedding who is so close to her. But anyways my only goal was to stare her. I was imagining my wedding with her. The moment she was standing with her parents she was looking too cute. I wanted to grab her in my arms and cry out loud that how much I missed her. Whatever customs were happening there I was imagining myself with her. I was praying that do some miracle, she should come to me on her own and say I LOVE YOU K****. I was imaging a scene in which she came and hugged me tightly and we both were crying and she was not ready to leave me. We were kissing each other without knowing where we are standing at that very moment.

I picked her up in my arms and took her away. I really wanted to do that and if she had been mine or that passionate I would have done this too. Right now too I want to hold her in my arms for forever. But it cannot happen. I wanted to go in front of her and wanted to ask for hand on my knees. My eyes were not seeing anything else other than her. I wanted to lose myself into her arms. The whole night wanted to talk to her lying in her arms, kissing her on her forehead, on her cheeks, on her lips. I even imagined her as my wife and was seeing a dream of our first wedding night. She is sitting silently at my home like a doll. I came after a long day and made her feel comfortable. I took her in my arms and planted a kiss on her cheek. She smiled. Then she too hugged me. She was sitting in my lap and we were gazing at each other and smiling. She was too close to me. I could feel the warmth of her breathing. I wasn’t giving her a chance to speak. Her lips were surrounded with my lips. When I was leaving her lips, she was grabbing mine. We were talking whole night and we are making sweet love. Then she placed her head on my chest and she said to me I LOVE YOU, don’t decrease your love for me ever and went to sleep. I was looking at her while she was sleeping and was playing with her hairs. She was looking too innocent and cute. Shit man, how could I think all this, she is not mine. Why I was seeing weird dream? It was uncontrollable. I was losing myself completely in her thoughts only. OHHH GOSH.......it was such an adrenaline rush through my body. Anyhow I was controlling myself and I came out of that dream. She had a photo session with her parents and my sister. She was hiding her face with her hand while passing by my side. I met my sister’s mom. D was too close to me at that time. Aunty asked me to have dinner. I said “No, I have fast. She is my lil sister”. D laughed at it and her reaction was “o teri”. I wanted to slap her at that very moment. Her life’s only goal was to hurt me and to make my fun? What wrong did I say, so she gave me this reaction?

She was about to leave. I had only this last chance to meet her parents. After this I won’t come to this city. My body was shivering. Should I go to them and talk? I gathered all my body’s strength and was going towards them. She saw that I am coming and with her actions she asked not to come. But I had to meet her parents. Her mom also saw me, she stopped. Now I went and touched her feet and said “Namaste aunty”. She was talking nicely and said “Namaste beta, kaise ho”. D was insisting her to go. She said let us talk. D was laughing. I asked her “will you please shut up and let us talk”. I talked to her mom that I love her and if you think I can be the best match for her then I want to marry her. She took me to uncle. D was shouting to go. Why you want to talk to him? Her dad came out of the car and he asked me to come to their home and talk. Now, D was also saying to come home and talk. I couldn’t go to their home. I didn’t meet my sister properly. I came to her marriage. I couldn’t leave like this. So I said right now I can’t come. Then he asked “when are you leaving tomorrow, can we talk tomorrow in the morning”? Next day I had train at 8.30 AM so that was also not possible. So he asked to talk there only and they came inside again. My throat was drying. He asked D to bring water for him. That was just an excuse to ask her to go from there. She asked me “aapke liye bhi lau”. I was like “hain? She is asking me”. I wanted to laugh. The way she asked I got the feeling she is asking her husband. Somehow I controlled myself and said “No, thank you”. From inside I wanted to say yes my sweetheart I want you to bring water for me for my whole life.

So her father was asking me about my family, my job and all. He asked me to tell this at my home and ask my parents to talk to them. I got message from D “bhag jao :x”. I still have that message. In between he got the call from bhaiya. So after talking for a min he gave the phone to aunty. She too went away from there. D was with her only. D was asking her brother “bhaiya, the guy used to trouble me is talking to papa. And they like this guy.” I got hurt, the way she was describing this. I love her so much and she describes me like “the guy used to trouble me......” anyways it has become my habit to get hurt by her every now and then. But she was right too. I only troubled her. At the end her father gave me his no, her mom’s no and his visiting card. I too gave him my V-card. He also asked me to ask my parents to talk to them and then they left. I touched their feel and he said “you too are like D for us”. I felt good when they said this. So as far as I know my first impression was good. I again was seeing some hope. Then I went to stage and met my sister. She was asking “what happened there. I was worried if they will slap you or something”. I told her the crux of the story. Her younger brother also told me that aunty was saying that he is a good guy. I was feeling happy that they kind of like me. But what about their daughter? 

At about 1.30 AM, I got a message from D saying “want to talk to you. Call me when you get time”. I called her instantly and she started saying “my parents are asking me what’s wrong with the guy. Why don’t you like him? Do you really love me? Don’t call my parents again. They are looking for guy for me to get married, all because of you. You have created lot of problems for me. Now stop all this”. We had another fight. She shouted at me again and then disconnected the phone. I messaged her I’ll wait for you in the morning till 7.30 AM at the same place where we met for the first time. She replied “I won’t come. Do whatever you love to do”. Whole night I was at marriage venue only. It was the time for phere. Pandit started chanting mantras. First jeejaji filled her hair parts with vermillion. I was smiling seeing that and again imagining myself with D. I am applying vermillion to her hair parts. Then pandit asked to make 7 promises to both of them. There too I was seeing D with me making promises. Then they took phere. It was 6.30 by that time. I had to go back to hotel, pack my luggage and wait for D to come. I had some hope that she will come. So I met my sister and aunty and went to my hotel. In hurry I packed everything and went to that mall again where I met my D for the first time. I waited there till 7.45 AM but she didn’t come. I again left with heavy heart and dropped her message that I am leaving. Bye.

New Year and losing all the hopes she will ever understand how much I love her In the last days of Dec I went home as my sister blessed with a baby girl. At home I told everything about her and whatever happened in my sister’s wedding. I came back to Bangalore on 30th Dec. I was alone on New Year at my home in same condition thinking about her, missing her. Then it was 1st Jan 2012. I wished her as usual, mailed her. I knew she won’t reply. I wished her parents too. I dropped a message to uncle and aunty. They didn’t reply as well. I mailed an e-card to uncle too. Probably on 3rd or 4th Jan I called her father as he asked me to tell everything at my home and then tell him. I called in the afternoon. He was busy in the meeting so he asked me to call him later. Then I called him in the evening near about 8 PM. Again he said I am busy in the meeting. I had a doubt he doesn’t want to talk to me, so avoiding me? So I decided I won’t call again. I am letting myself down by doing this again and again. At 11 PM I got a call from uncle. He asked “yes, tell me”. I said “Namaste Uncle, How is everyone at home?” He said “we all are fine”. He was bit loud in his voice. I was thinking definitely he is angry on me. So I wasn’t able to speak properly. I said “Uncle as you said I have told everything at my home. You can call them anytime now”. He asked my home no, my address and everything. I told him and he said “ok, I’ll talk to them”. And then we hanged up. Now both of our families knew that I love her and want to marry her but there was nothing from her side. As I already decided, when both the families will know about this and they will take interest then it would be her decision, then I’ll tell her everything clearly. It was going like a arrange marriage though I love her but she had to decide. So I composed a very long mail full of my feelings, my expectation, what a girl expects from her guy after marriage, what she looks for, and if it doesn’t go the way I was thinking then what things she needs to take care of in her future relationship, everything I put in that mail. It was like I opened my heart in front of her. About my family, what responsibilities she will be having, in what kind of environment she has to live, what kind of guy am I, everything was there. I took almost 3-4 hours to compose that mail. I started writing at 10 PM I guess and completed at 1 AM. I knew everything about my feelings so could put them straight forward, but what a girl looks for in her life partner, in his family I had to think through that perspective.

I wanted from her a logical answer to say NO or YES. So I put everything whatever I could think of in that mail. So if she wants to say NO then at least I could know, what is that reason because of which she doesn’t want to come with me? I sent the mail. As I was 99% sure what would be her reply but still I had the hope. It always happens when you are in love. You won’t leave your hope even if you can see things are not falling in right way. I was expecting either she won’t reply or it would be a NO. I sent her this mail at night. Next day in the evening I went to temple as everything was in God’s hand. I prayed to fill her heart with lots of love for me and please give me my sweetheart. 3-4 days gone. She didn’t reply. Then I sent her a reminder “I sent you a mail. So if you have decided can you please let me know your decision or want more time?” She replied “NO” as expected. I said “Thanks for the reply”. So it was over. I didn’t have any hope now. I was missing her; my condition was the same after losing all the hopes too. I wasn’t taking interest in anything. My interviews were going on in those days but I wasn’t able to concentrate. I used to see her photos for hrs. I used to kiss my screen, touch her hairs on the screen, touch her lips, and pull her cheeks. Remembering her words and laughing. I used to enjoy that.

It was 28th Jan 2012. I was studying for Amazon’s “bar raiser” round. It was the last round. Though I was studying but as always my mind was occupied with her. Suddenly my phone beeps. It was a message and I saw her no. was there. As soon as I saw her number I put my laptop aside and my heart was beating so fast. All kind of thoughts were coming in my mind. Why did she message me? She hates me; she doesn’t want to talk to me then why? I read the message. The message was “mujhe dal banana nahi aata”. My body started shivering. Suddenly I recollected about my mail and it was for sure in reply of that mail but I couldn’t believe it is she or definitely it is her same cousin who read that mail and now playing with me or might be she is chatting with someone and by mistake she sent that message to me. I replied “D, probably you sent me the last message by mistake. Anyways it’s alright, but for a sec my heart beat shoot up.” She said “It was for you” I said “and what does that mean”? And from there the conversation went on and this was the conversation.

D: Mujhe daal banana nai aata

Me: D I think you sent the prev msg to me by mistake.....anyways its alright.....for a sec my heartbeat shoot up

D: It was 4 u My heart was running so fast. What’s happening? Is it a dream or what? I wasn’t able to believe she is saying all this.

Me: ????and what does it mean?

D: K mujhe daal banana nai aata,,infact bohot kuch banana nai aata cn u accept me wid ol dat ?

Me: Plz D if this is ur cousin or ny of ur frnd who is laughing by reading dat mail and doing this then plzz stop dem......plz i beg u

Me: Is this really u??? Or just sum of ur frnd or ur dat cousin who are playing this to tease me?

D: It was me neways gud nyt w't msg u again tc Come on. After ending everything she was messaging me like this. How would I believe? And then she is saying bye if I’m not able to believe. Couldn’t she make me trust? Here also she has to show me lot of attitude. Only this much she wanted me that she was letting it go so easily by saying bye? If she loves me then how could she say bye so easily? Doesn’t she know how would I have been feeling? If I am not trusting her, then she know the reason behind it but still she said bye, can’t she try to convince me?

Me: W8 if its u den rply to sun lo...... I wish ki sach me tumhe banana na aata ho taki jab tum mere liye banao aur jab mujhe darte darte serve karo to i want to c ur dat innocent face which will kill me and i will ask u to sit in my lap and will feed u with my hands

Me: Can i call u? Me: Can u plz unblock my no? Shit. What kind of jerk am I? Behaving like a desperate. What she will think. She is sending me one message and I am sending 3 in her reply.

D: No nd cn v pls take dat lap thng out of d dscsn

Me: Ok ....may i know so why are we discussing this ?

D: Can't i ? I knew it, what was going on in her mind but in such a sweet conversation why is she giving me terror? Can’t she talk to me nicely? Me: Yes u hv all d right as i always said but i am not getting this...... Btw u read dat mail just now right? Before dis u didnt read dat?Nd one more thing can we switch to hindi? M not dat gud at English  Generally I don’t like talking to her in English. True feelings are shown in your mother tongue only. No matter, how beautiful words you put in English but the same thing looks more heart touching in Hindi.

Me: Bus itna hi discuss karna tha ?

D: Agar mai duniya ki sbse kharab ladki ban gai nd bohot ugly ho gai to ? Me: Mujhe abhi tak itna hi samjh payi ho jo aise silly quest puch rahi ho? Abhi bhi doubts hain ? Tumse jada ugly main dikhta hu.....infact shayd tumhe kabhi sharam aa sakti hai mujhe apne grp me le jane me

Me: I have seen u like my daughter stupid...i dont knw what dat feeling is but still i pampered u in all d ways in my heart......kaisi bhi ho jo bhi ho mere liye bht acchi ho.....u r my favourite

D: F9 bye What the hell she is doing? Why does she enjoy seeing me as a thirsty crow for her? Can’t she just say I LOVE YOU? 

Me: Now what is that? Nd why d hell we were discussing all this?

Me: I have to talk to u......unblock my no right now meri kasam hai

Me: Shud i call at ur ll or on aunty's phone ? Main aunty k no pe call kar rha hu

D: Kar lo she too w't atnd wil cl u 2mrw

Me: Right now not tomorrow.......bilkul abhi

D: Nai na kaha na 2mrw n 1 more thng agar mai har bt pe zid karu to ?

Me: Zid manne ki hui to maan lunga....nahi maanne ki hui to pahle bht pyar se samjhunga fir gussa hokar fir bhi nahi maani to tumhare aur mere mmy papa se bolkar samjhwaunga fir bhi nahi maani to chanta bhi marunga.....sorry last thing ni kar sakta....itne per to samjh hi jaogi tumhari bhi to kuch responsibility hogi mujhe gussa rahne dogi ? Kal tak mar gaya to fir kisse bat karogi ??? Abhi baat karni hai bus

D: Chanta maroge !

Me: Baccho ko sirf pyar karenge to bigad jayenge......bht dheere se pyar se marunga

D: M prty serious maroge ? B it 4 netng ? Sweety i cant bus samjh sakta hu chahkar bhi ni mar sakta

D: But bht hi kuch aisa kiya bht hi ganda bht hi galat den probably yes.......but tum aisa kuch ni karogi maan jaogi kahne se i trust u

Me: Agar mene kuch aisa galat kiya to tum kya karogi?

D: U've said dis 3rice N keep dis sweety n ol out pls nd 2 knw k ap aisa soch b sakte ho is enough bye I was thinking does she really love me or just judging me or testing me that I should go with him in a relationship or not? Does love come with terms and conditions? Did I ask all these questions to her when I fell for her? Or did I think about it that how badly she can treat me, how rudely she can talk to me, how easily her mind changes? Did I ever give thought to all such things?

Me: So u were testing me ? And it was the rule k i cant even tease u in dis sweetest talk of my lyf.....In d past thr were enuf moments when i cud slap u......jab tum mujhse ganda bolti ho main us tak ka rply ni kar pata tumhe.....us per bhi sirf pyar kiya tumhe ....kaise soch sakti ho i can slap u

D: U said it. Soch b sakte ho" was regrdng chata marna n mai mazak nai kar rahi yaha baith k

Me: Mujhe laga itni si baat per ruth gayi :( yaha hoti to kaise bhi mana leta.......itni dur se kaise manau......ye bye mat bola karo bura lagta h

Me: Fine d truth is i cant......do i need to say everything explicitly ? Itna sab hua ek bar bhi unchi awaj me bat ki h tumse ? Ya koi galat word use kiya tumhare liye ???

D: V r stil nt into nethng so aise behave mat karo apke mail k karan ye pucha pls koi b prcptn mat banana man me,,m sorry agar aisa karke hurt kia apko to bt mujhe kuch baten puchni thi bt ap aise baat karoge to na ho paega b nrml

Me: Kuch bologi aage ??? Plz dont stop it here Me: Hmm ok.... But pehle ye batao first time pad rahi ho na ye mail?

D: Nai Me: Tum itne dino bad itne acche se bat kar rhi ho.....so dis is precios moment for me....almost 1 yr ho jayega 20 aprl ko......so perception kya.... Fir usi din puch letin ye sab aaj kaise ? Nyways keep asking jo bhi doubts ho.....isi bahane bat to kar rahi ho

D: Prcptn matlb prcptn bs mat bnao koi m jst askng nd 4 hvn's sake senti mat maro I was at the verge of crying. She was in my mind all the time. I didn’t forget anything. She is asking me like she wants to become my wife and then she says “senti mat maro”. I was waiting for this moment for so long, won’t I get senti?

Me: Ok.....continue

D: Cn u quit smokng n drinking ?

Me: As i already told u i dont smoke n drink.....but u wud have trust....smoking was only day wen i was in jabalpur n drinking was just to go against myself.......nd d fact was i used to feel u close to me after drinking too much.....dats it.....vishwas kar sako to theek h ow this is d only truth !

Me: Plz keep asking.....

D: Nai m done..bs want to tel u dat u d't knw me much nd mai bohot unbrbl hu n i w't chnge Sweety I know this very well. I am ready to accept everything. What I want from you is, just love me unconditionally and never ever leave me alone.

Me: Did i ever ask u to change ? Unbearable ho tabhi to i want to spend my life vth u

D: F9 dats al N stil i'l say do nt make ne prcptn nd keep dis cnvrstn 2 urslf if u cn

Me: To whom i'll tell? Can i call u nw ?

D: Nai

Me: Wont ask nything about my family ? Can u bear vth me and my family?

D: No family on dis plnet is bad nd m stil telng u d't jump on ne cnclusn i stil m nt promsng u nethng

Me: One last thing....wen u can stay with me like d way i m rotlu chipku boring or watever.....nd in ny situation aj job h may be kal na ho.....may be capable hi na hu job krne k.....or may be kal ko fully dependent ho jau dusro per u nvr knw wat is in future.....har condton me jab mujhe tolerate kar sako to hi aana agar aisa kuch soch rahi ho to.....main bhi aisa hi rahunga change ni ho sakta nd for ur kind info pahle se kahi jada rotlu nd boring ho gya hu....hardly i speak to nyone....i guess max to max 100 sentence per day....aur is bar hamesha k liye aana wapis jane k liye nahi rest is gods n ur wish !

D: Gud nyt

Me: Shud i expect a call frm u tomorw?

D: Nai

Me: Ok gudnyt....and thanks for today's chat.....at least now i have something to cherish. I still didnt get what was d purpose behind all these questions......the girl who hates me....doesnt want to talk to me was talking to me today??? What shud i understand frm this ??? Srry but i cant sleep in dis situation.....after giving ur ''final verdict'' u r asking these???whats dis ???plz make me understand......wats going thru ur head sorry heart? Me: Its ok if its ur NO but plz be clear.....cmon u can tell me....i wont feel bad or nything.....best frnd thi na hamesha....nahi bataogi?

Me: Or if u r thinking to tell me later or tomorrow den plz dont do that.....anything can happen anytime......may be kal bike lekar niklu aur bike slip ho jaye.......senti nahi maar rha but ye dar lag rha hai ki jo main soch rha hu waisa hai to i want to hear dat frm u right now....kuch bhi agar galat hota hai kal ya bad me kabhi to i dont want to die without listening dat frm u???? I dont want to take ny chance so plz for god sake be clear....dont leave me confused plzzz humble req to u

D: F9 if n answer helps u sleep. Its stil a no i jst had 2 ask fw thngs which i did aap so jao ab bye

Me: It was not regarding sleep.....nd do u think tumhare jhuth mujhe samjh ni aate?

D: Cn i sleep pls. gud nyt Me: Hmm sorry.....gudnyt So after this I was feeling at cloud 9. I was so thankful the GOD. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. The whole night I couldn’t sleep. The next day I told this to my friend and I was eagerly waiting for her message or call. I was trying to sleep to kill the time but wasn’t actually getting any sleep. Whenever my phone rang I wished it should be her call. On that day I didn’t leave my phone for a single minute. Evening passed but I didn’t get any call. I left the hope that she will ever call me or message me. As she said “I just wanted to ask few questions and I did that” .Now I was crying. I started watching movies to divert my mind but nothing was helping me out. Why did she ask all those questions when she doesn’t feel for me. It was her parents who made her to talk to me? And all these type of thoughts were disturbing me. Finally I decided to message her. I texted “Hi D, can we talk”. No Reply. Again I texted “why did you ask me those questions?” No Reply. I kept texting her but she didn’t reply to any of my message. Then I asked “Do you love me or not?” She replied “No”. Now I was turning red into anger. What the fuck....I mean she can ignite me anytime and then just leave it saying that I had to ask something. I dreamed so much in this conversation. I was so happy and then she said I just wanted to clear few things. Don’t make any perception. Am I a fool? Who won’t dream about something good after such conversation? Am I her puppet or what? It was like you show a bone to a dog and he is running after you and then you throw the bone in the sea. He will be disappointed and will return to his place!

I was getting exactly the same feeling. My heart was full of grief. For clearing her doubts I was replying her and again I expected something which was unexpected. And that was “she too loves me”. My heart wanted to cry aloud. I wanted to hug her and scream. How could I be so fool? How could I think about it that she loves me? It can never happen. She hates me and only hates me. Whatever I was dreaming on that day when I was talking to her, all dreams shattered on the floor. Again I was pushed into hell. Before this incident I had lost all the hopes that she could ever me mine. Just a day before this incident I threw her dad’s card. But after this I again started dreaming my life with her and her as my wife. I was dreaming all the romantic moments with her about all the romantic talks with her and all the dirty and flirty talks to tease her. Again and again the scenes of hugging, kissing and holding her in my arms were flashing in front of me. She wasn’t out of my mind even for a single sec. I knew it she doesn’t love me but still I was enjoying all those dreams and consoling my heart that in reality she can’t love me, so let’s enjoy this in my dreams.

After that my friend messaged her asking “do you love him or have any feelings for him?” She replied “no, I just want you to help him out to come out of this now.” A day before you asked me all those questions that can you accept me or not and then you are asking my friend to help me out. Was some kind of game going on? Now my situation was worst than before. She made me to see a dream and then left me crying. I slapped myself hardly how could you dream about having her. All day I cried. I wasn’t able to believe that she doesn’t love me. So I contacted her senior who shares sister kind of relationship with her. I guessed her mail id by looking at her fb profile but didn’t work. I searched orkut, facebook, google, her college profile, wordpress, blogspot, google+ every social networking site. Her orkut profile was locked, so couldn’t send any message. Facebook profile was also locked. Luckily I got her mail id from blogspot. I sent a mail to her and sent friend request to her on orkut and facebook and I asked her that I want to talk something important. It’s about your sister. She is the same girl whom D told one day when I saw her chat that I have a small crush on him and she said beware of him. In the evening I got a reply from her. Thank God, I got someone from her side that I can talk. I told her the whole story from the past 2-3 days, also gave her the reference about D’s chat with her year ago. She said “ok, I’ll talk to her and will let you know what’s in her heart. I’ll meet her tomorrow.” I was waiting for the next day eagerly. Somehow I passed the whole day. In the evening I sent her offline message “Did you get a chance to talk to her”? She said “no, I couldn’t meet her today. Tomorrow I’ll talk to her”. Again I had to wait for whole long day. Next day came. In the evening she told me “I talked to her but she doesn’t have anything in her heart”. I was mad. Why did she ask me all those questions? I told her everything. What she asked me 4 days ago. She too shouted and said “why are you telling me all this”. She was right why I am bothering her. I said sorry and thanked her for making the things clear.

Twist in the story....and how did it break me more It was 2nd Feb 2012, Thursday. I deleted her sister or her senior from my orkut and facebook in the morning as at night she told me everything. After that conversation on messages I was too mad. I wasn’t able to concentrate on my work. Somehow I was spending my day in office. I didn’t have food on that day. In the evening I was listening songs and then tried to do some work. It was 4.47 PM. After half an hour I was about to leave for home as I had my keyboard class on that day. I was listening a song “kuch is tarah” and was crying. Tears were there in my eyes. Suddenly my phone rang and I got a message. It was her message and she wrote “K**** I don’t know how to put this but I think I feel for you. And I am sorry you had to bear so much in past one year because of me”. After reading this I was numb. It was a moment when I was crying and smiling as well. I read that message again and again. I asked her to call me but she said “no, I won’t”. Why she is so rigid, can’t she call me and say I love you? I couldn’t wait to hear her saying those 3 words. I called her up and I wasn’t able to control my tear but she cut my phone. I texted her. She said I won’t call. I called her again. She cut my phone. Then she called me up. It was such a great feeling to hear her sweet voice and knowing that now she wants to be with me. I asked her to say those words but she was denying. She was saying I told you what I feel then why to do formality. But I was insisting her. Then finally that moment came and she said “love you K****”. I closed my eyes and felt that. It was such an awesome feeling. I asked her to say it again and she said it again. I asked her to say this in Hindi as I wanted to hear that again and again. She denied first but then she said “main aapko bohot bohot sara pyar karti hu”. I was feeling at cloud 9. At that time I was the luckiest person on the earth. My all wounds were healed. I forgot whatever happened till then, my all worries. I was feeling like we two are the only people in the world and I have conquered the world as she is my whole world. I wanted to stop time right there. One day when we used to talk before, I asked her how would you propose someone whom you will love and she said on my knees I will ask him to spend his life with me. So I asked her to do that but she didn’t do this and said don’t expect me to behave like your girlfriend rather I will behave like a friend. But I was happy that she too loves me. She was outside with her friend. So she couldn’t talk much. After coming back to my desk I told this to my best friend. He too was happy. He was shocked that how did this happen. He said “salute you love and patience” and this made me feel so high. Suddenly, her place was raised in my heart even more. Then and there she got the place of my wife. Though I already had imagined her as my wife but now it was as per her wish. I was feeling so responsible now. I had my girl to take care of. I had that person whom I loved like anything and now is the time to show her my love.

I packed my stuffs from my desk and started for my home. I was the king of world. I was smiling. I didn’t feel so much happiness in my life ever. After a long time almost a year, I was happy. I wasn’t noticing anything around me. It was just her. I drove fast and came home. I didn’t go to class on that day. As soon as I reached my flat, my friend also came and I hugged him. He too was happy that after a long time finally I got my love. I called her again. I wanted to talk to her without stopping. Her voice was going to my heart. I wished if she had been here, I would have hugged her so tightly. Still she was outside, so after talking for 5-10 min we hanged up. Then we were chatting on messages. Meanwhile I sent her that song, which I like the most and I had thought I will send this song to my sweetheart whenever she will come. Now my sweetheart was with me so I sent her that song “bin tere kya hai jeena”. I also sent her those photographs of her name which I took when I was in Thailand. I called at home and told this to my mom and sister that she accepted me. I called my brother and told him that you got your bhabhi . Everyone was happy because I was happy. I was waiting eagerly for her to come home and talk to me. She came home and called me. We were talking, talking and talking. I asked her how suddenly she made up her mind. Why did she say no just a day ago to my friend and to her senior friend. She said I read your mail on that day and since then I started feeling for you. I told to my mom too and then couldn’t stop myself. I was so happy that she feels for me. Whole night we talked on that day in messages. I had all my rights on her now and she had on me. She already had but now she got the rights of a wife too. She didn’t like it calling her as my gf, she wanted me to treat her as a friend. I could understand. She just came with me in a relationship, so it will take time for to get adjusted. Her family was also kind of like me. So I wasn’t seeing that any problem will come in our relationship. She already had suffered a lot in her relationship, so I knew this she would understand my love now and she won’t ever leave me again. Her love was true I could see that. No matter what happens but she won’t leave my hand now. But I was afraid about myself. I knew it I love her too much and unconditionally but still I was afraid of myself only. It may happen that someday I say something or can hurt her or what if I did something wrong. I doubted my love. But soon I got over these feelings. No, I can’t do this. I love my girl, no, my wife too much and she too loves me very much. This is the only fact.
I had an overwhelming desire to tell her about how much I love her, what do I feel for her. I wanted to say “Don't let me go ever, hold me tight, make me your plaything, your slave!” But they were words I could not say. The only thing I could say was, "You don't know how happy I am to be with you." From the next day we used to talk whole day and night. I used to go to office saying bye to her like she is here only at my home and while saying bye to her I used to imagine I am hugging her. Hehe....I was feeling love in the air. My whole world had changed I started eating food with her. In the evening, she texted me “let me know when you go home”. Again my mind started working, what happened, why she said this. I asked why? She said “I have to ask to bring something at home”. And I am so stupid I started thinking she is here only at my home and wants to give me a surprise. I was full of joy. I wished it should be true. I left office at that time only. And asked now tell me what is it. She asked me to go to some grocery shop and take magi, biscuits. I asked why? She said “at night you were feeling hungry. So take something”. I was so satisfied, so happy. She started behaving as my wife. She remembers so much about me. Hats off to this innocent girl. I didn’t take at that time but before going home I took it. I couldn’t say no to what she said now. And after reaching home I called her again. Whenever I listen her voice I get the same feeling what a thirsty person feels when he gets water after a long time. Then it was weekend. We started talking since morning and talked for the whole day. I was thinking, I am not giving enough time to her for herself. May be she can feel uncomfortable sometimes. I asked her but she said “even I like talking to you. So no issues”. All such things full of her love for me, my importance for her used to make me feel like a king. I used to feel happy yes I am her husband, why wouldn’t she like taking to me. In fact, we can talk whole day and night without getting bored with each other. Every single minute I used to feel her around me, whatever I am doing she is with me. I used to talk to my soul everytime considering that she is there. If I am eating, in my heart I said “shona aao khana khate hain”. If I am sleeping and she already slept then I talked to her photo “paari chalo sote hain, kiss kar do”. And then I used to kiss her forehead, her nose, her cheeks, her lips, her ears, her eyes, her hands, her stomach in the picture and used to say love you sweety and then sleep. If I am getting ready for office I used to talk “shona cream laga do mu per, comb kar do”. If I am coming home from office, then reporting her as my wife “shona main aa gaya”. So this had become my routine. Talking to her and being with her was the only important thing for me. I couldn’t live even for an hour without seeing her message or without calling her.

My colleagues took a grand party for this commitment. They drank a lot. I even saved that bill. All these small-small things make us smile later in future when we remember how our love story started. My birthday was coming. I only asked her to present me one thing. She is a good sketcher. So I asked her to sketch our pic together and she is resting her head on my shoulder. I insisted too much but she denied. She was saying that she can’t sketch people. If it would be distorted “me” she will feel bad. And what a silly girl she told this to her mom too. I was laughing at her stupidity. My naughty mind was thinking if I had asked to sketch us where you are kissing me then too she would have told this to her mom? Then I asked her ok if you can’t do this then send me all of your photographs. She denied for that too.  So I wasn’t expecting anything from her on my birthday. On my birthday I was expecting she would be the first person who will wish me. But she was the third person. But after that she talked to me for an hour late at night. Talking to her late night, when she speaks calmly and softly gives me more pleasure as compared to day. I forget my all fatigue, all tension, sleep everything. I just close my eyes and hear her sweet voice. At that time I miss her the most and want her badly here with me. At night I got a surprise from her. She sent me her pic . It made my day. She was looking damn beautiful and cute in that pic. I kissed her so many times. Then we hanged up and I went to talk to my friends. We were discussing about love stories. That was the first time when it was clicked how did she come to me suddenly? She always hated me. She always gave me the reaction like I am the unwanted person in her life then how did it happen? But I suppressed all this. I made myself understood you are doubting her. She is too good to you and still you are thinking in that way, shame on you. Next morning she woke me up. I always wanted that she should wake me up every day with her cutie voice and smile. She should hug me and kiss me every morning. Whenever she used to wake me up, the whole day I used to feel happy. Nothing wrong could happen on that day with me because I started my day with my luck, my dream girl. My friends wrote her name on my birthday cake. It always feels good when your friends give that respect to your girl what a wife deserves and my all friends and close colleagues were aware of that how much I love her and where do I see her. So they too always respected her and valued her like their bhabhiji. But I used to feel sad because none of her friend was like this so supportive regarding our relationship. Her best friend doesn’t like me. He was angry at her because she was with me now who created so many troubles for her. But anyways what I had to do with that my girl likes me is enough for me.

They saw her pic what she sent me last night. And everyone was like hawww she is damn beautiful. And they were teasing me how did she say yes to you :P. I too accept this fact she is too gorgeous and I am nothing in front of her. So the day spent. Talking whole day and night was as usual. I will never forget this birhtday in my life. I wasn’t so happy ever on my birthday. And the reason was my sweetheart only. I got the most valuable thing in the world and that was my love. I wasn’t expecting anything more from her except loving me everyday more and more. I used to pray every day we should live happily with each other and don’t ever let our love decrease. I got some gift offers from my bank on my birthday and that was a photo mug and some photo prints. I sent her photographs for the mug and took print of her pics. By that time I wrote only about my meeting with her on my sister’s wedding and about the messages we had last month. I told her about it that I am writing our story. She insisted to send it to her. But I didn’t want to. She will feel bad; she will take it all wrong. But she was insisting so much that I couldn’t deny. I can feel this in her voice that she is sad and how much she wants something then I can’t resist. I sent whatever I wrote till then. I knew something will happen. She read it and spoiled her mood. She felt bad about whatever I dreamed about her when she was there and what I wrote for her that “am I her puppet”. She said “you are not my puppet K****”. She was sad. I misunderstood her. Why did I write that? She just doesn’t understand sometime and I wrote “I am her puppet”. She is so sweet child. She thinks well about me and I don’t understand that. I was feeling bad that I hurt her. My sweetu girl. I couldn’t do anything except repenting. At all these moments when I hurt her I feel she should be with me. There she would cry alone. If she had been here, I would have pleased her anyhow by hugging her or by loving her. As she was with me now and I too was aware of the fact that dude you don’t look good with her. She is a beauty queen and look at you. So I decided to hit the gym. Ohh God, I was completely into her. Love makes us to do crazy things. And this was the first crazy thing, I was doing. I went and enrolled for a year’s subscription and I took an oath that when I’ll go to meet her on her birthday, I’ll be in a good shape by that time. I had 4 months and this time is enough to shape the body. Our first pic together should be the best. I told her that I joined the gym and she was laughing like mad. She said “gir mat jana kahi wait uthate waqt” . Bad girl makes my fun. But I like this whenever she teases me, be it on anything. To her I show that I’m feeling bad, but I like this. In fact, I only gave her so many chances to laugh at me, deliberately because I love her smile. For making her smile I can do anything, can make myself stupid, can make any sill joke on my own, can talk about any silly topic, can act like a child, anything just for her one smile. She too knows this I love her smile too much, so madam always say “aapko to kuch bhi accha lagta,absurd hasi hai meri”. The reason why did I put her, this pic as the background pic of this book, is because I love this pic too much. She is looking too cute, her smile is awesome. Clearly I can see her lips and teeth and her sparkling eyes. My sweetheart I love you too much. Muaahhhhh......!!!!

It was first Valentine day for us. I never thought that I’ll ever gift her something on V’day. I wished her all the days in that week. A day before I planned to send her flowers. No one was taking delivery order as I was too late to order. Somehow I got the site that was ready to deliver on the same day. I ordered one bouquet of red flowers, teddy, and chocolates. I was doing all this in my office. My team didn’t know about my commitment till now. There are 3 girls in my team and I always feel uncomfortable when there lot of girls around me. They saw I am booking flowers. They asked me, my story. I told them in short. They saw her picture which she sent me on my birthday. One of the girls was so shocked and said she is too beautiful. Is she any upcoming actress? I always feel butterflies in my stomach when people praise her and say something good about her. My miss universe and she is mine now. I was feelings amazed imagining how would she feel when she will get this. I was full of love for my girl. Next day in the morning at about 8 AM I got call from her “what is that”? I asked what happened. She said “I got a call from delivery guy so early in the morning. She was coming to my home. I asked him not to come. I’ll call you”. She was surprised that I’ll ever do that. I was happy. But I wanted to see how she would feel when she will receive it. She went to college. I asked her did you receive. She said “no”. I was going out of my mind now. I sent for her so that I could surprise her and that delivery boy didn’t deliver it to her. I asked her to give his no to me. I will tell him. And my madam forgot from which no she got the call. Somehow she guessed and told me the no. I was trying his no but it was unreachable. My mood was spoiled completely. It was such an important day. One thing was she didn’t even wish me yet; other thing was she didn’t get those flowers. She was trying to cheer me up. But nothing was working. I sent that for her with so much of feelings. My hugs, my kisses, and my lot of love for her were there in that gift when I was booking that for her. In the evening when she came home she got call from him. I asked her to ask someone to bring that for you. Next day it doesn’t give that much pleasure. Gift should get delivered on that day only. But no one was there. There was no option except receiving it on next day. I shouted at that delivery boy too. In the evening finally she wished me happy v-day. Thank God finally she remembered. Next day she went and received it. She was the one who had to receive the gift but I was getting excited here. She called me up and she said thank you, thank you at least 10 times in a row. She was too happy was acting like a kid, was jumping. I could feel her happiness. She sent me the picture too. It gives so much pleasure to me when she laughs because of me or she is happy and I am the reason behind it. This was the first time when I made her happy after coming into relationship with her. I love my girl too much. No one can love her like this. I love you sweety. She gave the name Ted to that teddy bear.
She was going more and more into me like a screw driver drink (A vodka cocktail which acts like a screw driver). Every day I was falling for her and each day I used to feel more love than before.

Every day I wanted to love her in different way but I couldn’t show anything from here. I had to wait for at least 3 long years to sink her completely in my love. Gradually, our talks started involving those loving words. I used to call her sweety, jaan, cutie pie, honey, item, saaman, maal, bater(she told me this word), fanti, mehbooba, angel, my wife and lot more. She too used to call me baby, saaman, item . I just love this whenever she shows like I belong to her. When there is love, there is fight too. Our fights were also increasing. Mostly they were because of my dreams and my expectations. I dream too much. I used to talk about our future and she used to get irritated with that. Or it could be any random silly topic. I used to say her I love you so many times in a day. And her replies were like “hmm”, “ok”. This also became the reason of fights many times. I wasn’t expecting that she should say I love you too or something like that but if someone says I love you then definitely you can say something better than this. Probably her way of saying it could be with smile but I couldn’t see that in a message. Whenever she used to send smiley I felt happy that she is happy that I love her. But if I’m not getting that smiley it used to make me feel sad. I couldn’t say, otherwise it would become the reason of fight again. Whenever I wanted to talk about something, about our date, our meetings, she always shouted at me that live in 2012. Don’t dream so much. She too was right. There could be lot of problems, family issues and all. But it can’t be avoided altogether, right? Come on, I love her, she belongs to me. Every guy sees so many dreams that he will do this, do that with her girl. What’s wrong I was doing? I waited so long for her and now when she is mine I can’t make my dreams come true? She is my girl; I would see so many dreams with her, how our first date would be, how would we live after getting married. But she always used to avoid all these things. Sometimes I used to feel why does she do like this? Doesn’t she dream about being with me? Doesn’t she miss me to this extent that she start seeing herself with me like we are holding hands, we are roaming around in the town or we are on a night out or she is holding me in her arms? Why only I see all these dreams? It’s because she has just started in this relationship and she is not that comfortable yet or is there something else?

Later on, I realised, she too feels all this but she can’t bring this outside, she can’t express. My dearest sweety, simple, innocent girl. Whenever she used to say this “K**** you know na, how do I feel about you, I can’t express my feelings” tears appeared in my eyes. My sweetheart is so simple, she loves me too much but just because she can’t express I doubt her. What a dog am I? At that time I used to feel to hug her tightly and don’t let her speak and put a kiss on her forehead and make her comfortable in my arms and ask her not to worry about that, knowing that you love me is enough for me, just be with me and never leave me. Your company is sufficient for me throughout my life. Love can’t be decided by romance, or spicy talks but it can be seen in actions. And I could see that whatever she used to do for me. But whenever we fight, she speaks so much dirty; so much like her every word goes in my heart like a bullet. A fight can never happen from one side. I am too shot tempered. I used to say her lot many things, but after disconnecting the phone in 5-10 min I realise that I hurt her. I made her cry. I wanted to stop the fight, so again I used to call her. But once she is started she can’t end it soon. It’s a very tough job to please her. Your love won’t help you to do that. Until she throws everything out of her heart, she won’t stop it. And then it hurts me like anything. She can live without talking to me for days but for me it’s always like hell when she is not talking to me. So I used to call her soon after the fight and say sorry. We love each other, why to stay angry for so long. What there in putting your ego first rather than relationship. Later she taunted me on this too that I say sorry just to talk to her but I don’t feel sorry. Silly girl. But anyways she is mine and I am her. She has all the rights. If she won’t fight with me then with whom? My stupid sassy girl. After every fight when we used to love each other, that was too good. After all we love each other, how can we live without talking for so many hours.

She had deactivated her facebook profile. She was saying I’ll activate it only when you will be there and right now I can’t add you. Hehe...stupid girl. I wanted to sing for her. Though, I know how bad singer I am, I never sang in front of anybody but wanted to sing for my princess, my shona. This is another crazy thing I wanted to do for her in love. It had been only 15 days since we were in relationship. Everything was going good. But destiny had something else for me. On a Sunday I was going to have lunch. Suddenly I got her message “kya kar rahe ho”? Generally, she never starts the conversation. On that day I got her message so I smiled and felt happy that yes this love chemistry is working, her mind and heart also started working with these chemicals. I replied. Then she said “mom doesn’t want me to talk to you”. I was shocked. I called her up but she couldn’t pick the call so we continued in messages. Just a min ago I was starving but now that thing went away. She told me everything. Her mother likes me but she doesn’t want us to be in talking terms without anything. I asked her to made her understand saying that how would we know each other. If we are not in contact then how could we think about relationship after 3-4 years? She said all this but nothing was working. Her mom wanted us not to talk. It always happens in a love story. When you are in a relationship everything is in girl’s control. There are lot of struggle to put in a relationship to succeed. I asked her if she is ready for some formal ceremony or something happens between us. Not marriage but engagement or something. She said NO. This was another shock for me. She was saying it is too early for me. I am just 21. How can I think about this? She was also right but something had to be done. I tried to make her understand that we are not getting married right now. Just a formal ceremony so both the families will be sure. She was asking me again and again; tell me what I should do. Her mom asked her that she will tell everything to her dad. She was not ready to talk about this to her dad too. She was saying once I told this to my mom, I can’t ask them or force them for this anymore. I was like she is losing the battle in the starting phase only. I knew that problems will knock but this soon, I didn’t expect that. She didn’t even fall for me completely. She still didn’t have those feelings that she can’t live without me. Feelings are built up gradually. Relationship needs time to get matured. It was just 15 days. My mind wasn’t working. I went to my friend’s place and asked her that let me think then will talk to you. I went to his place and told him everything. The only thing we could think about was to make her mom understand about this that being in touch is important.

If that is not possible then have to do some formal ceremony. But she was not ready for either of this. She was asking me what should I do but not was listening what I was telling. And then she disconnected the phone that I will find my way out. Tension started. Another thing was why she was getting panicked so soon? Saying this, that too with such a firm voice that “I have told them about us once, I won’t do that again” used to make me feel even sadder. How can she say this so easily? What this relationship is for her? Can she leave me without giving it a try? She said just once to her parents, now she is saying I can’t say it again. Only this much she loves me? Things were going out of control. Everyday her mom was yelling at her why you are talking to him. If she was chatting me late night, then what’s so important that you have to talk at this time? She was suffering. I was getting hurt with that and had the fear that I’ll lose her. One day we were chatting and somehow I made her understand if something happens now between us then let it happen. Why are you feeling insecure? Do you still want time to decide am I right for you or not? She said No, I am sure about you but I can’t think about my marriage at this age. Then we discussed everything about our expectation. That night was good. She was on cam and typing. She always looks good in unclutched hairs. I was teasing her again and again that I can see your bra. I never leave such chances to tease her. But she feels bad about it. Such little teasing and all happen in a relationship, why does she get irritated so much. I wanted to open her as much as possible with me. She can be cool with me. Why there are boundaries like don’t say this don’t say that. She used to dance while sitting and typing, whenever she writes something to tease me. There were 2-3 common actions what she everday does and I too got habitual seeing those actions, so I insisted her every day to do that. One was this dance, one was when she asks me “neena aaying” she brings her hand close to her eyes and makes action for asking “thori si”, another action was throwing tears with her hand from her face. Hehehe....I still do all these things when I read those chats. Late night her mom came, and saw that she is chatting with me. And she left without saying anything. I asked her to tell her mom what we were discussing and try to make her understand. That night we did chit system.

She asked me to choose one hand left or right. I wanted to choose right but I chose left. She was sad. I asked what happened. She said she wished everything will be good between us or not. Left hand was for no and right hand was for yes. I too was sad. I too made two chits and wrote yes on one of them and no on the other one. I wished if we will ever meet, we will get married or our story will die. I chose one chit. It was YES. I jumped in happiness. I was too happy. She was staring at me and she said always smile like this. Again I felt her love for me. Whenever, she stares me in that way I feel good. I feel shy. I wanted to kiss her. Every night she used to fight with me to make me sleep. But I used to make her fool no I am not getting sleep. Actually I wanted to talk to her more, wanted to see her more and wanted that she should sleep first. So she used to say ok try to sleep within 10 min and if you don’t get sleep we will chat. I am so smart in this. I used to do something on laptop for 10 min so that I don’t get sleep and I could get more time to talk to her. And then I messaged her “shona, I am not getting sleep, talk to me, but if you are feeling sleepy then you can sleep”. But from inside I wanted her not to sleep. How selfish I am.
Next day she didn’t get chance to talk to her mom. We were still talking. She said that I’ll talk to her and what she will say we will do. I couldn’t do anything. Then it was Shivratri. I asked her not to talk to her mom until I say. I wanted to pass that day so that I get a chance to pray for her. I went to temple on shivratri and asked please don’t snatch her from me. Please make up everything. I asked her too, to wish that we shouldn’t get separated. But she wished everyone should be happy. One thing was noticeable I asked her too many times to wish for us but she never wished for us directly. She never wished about our relationship. She always used to wish everyone should be happy. I could see her love but something was missing. I wanted her in my life desperately; this thing was missing in her. She wasn’t so desperate for me. That thing used to make me think, is she really into me or just trying hard to be. I didn’t doubt her love. Whatever she was doing was true I could see that but few things made me to think in that way. Anyways that day also passed. Whole day I kept praying about us. She was wearing suit on that day. Girls usually look beautiful when they fast or there is some occasion. So I asked her to send her pic. But she didn’t. She always does so many nakhras in sending her pic. My beautiful queen. Then I asked her to come online. She came and yes she was looking amazing. I always complain to God why do you do this to me. Why she is so beautiful and if she is then why she is so far from me. At times I want to smack my head in the wall when I feel too much to take her in my arms and pour my love on her.

Next day 22nd Feb. She talked to her mom and she denied after listening everything that don’t talk to him. D asked to stop talking. It was funny. In 20 days we had breakup. I asked her we can talk and don’t tell to your mom. But she didn’t want to lie. So we broke up and as soon as she left me my bad luck started. First thing she left me, second thing my father’s leg got fractured on the same day, third thing my roof collapsed same night and I just escaped from getting hurt badly. It was the shortest relationship in the world. Need to put it in genies book of world records. Next day in the morning I got the call about papa’s accident. I had to leave. Whole day I was travelling. I needed her at that time but couldn’t talk to her. In the evening I got her message “I’m missing you”. I too was missing her so badly. I replied. We exchanged few messages and then we stopped. After few days I think on 26th Feb I pinged her. We started talking. We again started talking in messages. On this relationship thing only we had fight. I called her and she started shouting. As I already said whenever she gets angry on me, she can kill me with her words. She doesn’t hesitate to use any word for me. Ghanta and chutiya are her favourite words. On the day also she used these words. I said I love you. She said “ghanta love you. Main or meri maa to aapke ghante bajane me lage hain. I don’t think you love me. It has become a winning instinct for you that you have to win”. Last line hurt me like anything. She abused my love. She doubted my love. How could she say that I don’t love her? This is what she feels about me? I never ever used these cheap words with her but she doesn’t hesitate. She doesn’t let me speak when she shouts. I only feel guilty and can’t say anything whatever arguments she gives. After getting calm down, she talked to her mom what does she want. “I am getting pissed off between you and him. So tell me once what I have to do”. At that time I felt that is it only my relationship so she is saying this like what I have to do. I was feeling like she is doing something for me only. Anyways her mom said, “don’t talk to him”. I called her and asked her give the phone to aunty. I talked to her but she wasn’t listening anything. She said “No, it can’t happen. We don’t want you to talk”. And this was our second break up. At that time I was in hospital. My brother and brother-in-law were also there. Things were normal at home by that time. I was disappointed again. They could see some tears in my eye-lids and could sense my voice. I had that party bill, when I threw commitment party to my colleagues, that bill was in my wallet, I threw it. Jeejaji took me outside and asked what happened. I told him that her mom doesn’t want us to be in contact. He asked me the whole story. Then he asked “did she really love you”? I was shocked, why he asked this question. There was nothing like she doesn’t love me. What made him to ask this question? I said “off course she does. Why would she talk to her mom about me”? He asked again, “she too is that much serious about you like you are for her or she is in the same depth in you, the way you are in her”? It was like a bomb. I too knew this that till now she is not that much into me. I could feel that. But I was sure that I would make her feel.

I’ll give her so much love that one day she will be more serious than me in this relationship. But at that time it wasn’t like that. I couldn’t see in his eyes but I said, “Yes, she is. In fact she is damn serious”. Then he made me understand many things. Her parents are also not thinking wrong. But if they know this that their daughter loves you and they want you shouldn’t be in talking terms and after 3-4 years you should get married then it won’t work. If this relationship really has to sustain then communication is necessary. It’s a long distance relationship. Without even talking why would someone be stick to you. They will get better option and she will get married. So let her parents decide what they want for her. I also couldn’t do anything. I came home. My mom, sister found out I am not in good mood. I couldn’t act. They asked what happened. I told them. They also shouted at me “what’s happening between you guys. Today yes, then no then yes. What she and her parents want? Doesn’t it hurt you?” What could I do? Neither my shona could do anything. I knew this she also must be crying for me. She too loves me. Why God has to do this to us? I texted her just one last time, call me with that name. She didn’t want to. I called her and asked her please say that name once. And she said “bye K****”. Next day in the morning I was in papa’s workshop for some formalities. I got a call from her mom. I was shocked now what happened? She wants to yell at me? I received the phone. I wasn’t able to speak up properly. She said “I talked to your mom”. I was like “what”? She said “Yes, should we talk again to you and at your home”? Aunty why would I say no and I said “ji han, bilkul, aap puch kyu rahe ho”. I was again seeing a ray of hope that something can happen between us. So we were in relationship again. At home too things were clear. Her mom didn’t tell her about this. She saw dialled no and it was my home no and then she asked. She told me that “my mom talked to your mom”. I said “I know”. She said “why didn’t you tell me”. I thought she only made her to call so I didn’t tell her. My mom was little bit doubtful. She was saying that in the first conversation only, her mom asked about jeejaji’s no. I said that I told her that my elder sister and jeejaji will do everything now. So might be that’s why she wants to talk to him but mom said “but still, it’s our internal family matter”. But anyways things were fine. Rest of the things mom liked. After 2 days papa came home. I too was about to live in 2-3 days. My sister talked about her to papa. First I was afraid what would be the reaction. But the best thing is our caste is same, so he didn’t say anything and he said let them come here. . Thank God! The major task was done. I was happy again.

My first and last love letter to her I was at home when I wrote this letter for her. I was full of love for her at that moment. So I started writing whatever I feel for her. I never gave this letter to her. I wanted to give her on her birthday. Though she hates all such stuffs. You may call it old fashioned but I still find its cute when someone writes a love letter for his girlfriend or her boyfriend. I couldn’t give her that letter to her on her birthday. I gave her this before only. I don’t know where to start because I haven’t written any love letter for anyone before but now wanted to write for you my sweetheart. I won’t give you this letter now but on your birthday one of the gifts would be this one. Though words can’t describe my feelings for you but still I am giving it a try. I never had any girl before in my life though I loved someone but no one could enhance my feelings so much and craziness in me as you have done it. Getting your love back was the biggest dream of mine. I had left all the hopes, I was shattered and then on the ‘D’ day 2nd Feb 2012 you came in my life like my angel. I was working in office, no actually wasn’t working, and listening a song “kuch is tarah” and was crying. Tears were in my eyes and then suddenly I got your message “k**** I feel for you” and I was numb. I was crying but from inside I felt so calm. My heart beats were shooting up and at that very moment I wanted to hug you and kiss you and did never want to stop that. My madness about you suddenly jumped and I was feeling on cloud 9. When I think of you and imagine about the moments to spend with you I feel like world has changed for me. No one is around me and at that time I don’t want to do anything else other than dreaming about to be with you. Now you have accepted me for you forever and you are mine too so I want to tell you “I K****, love you so much D and want to marry you as soon as possible”. I don’t want to waste even a single second to be with you. I want to see you as soon as possible and want to wrap you in my arms for the whole day. I want to feel the warmth of your breath. My love for you has no boundary and I love you so much that no girl in this world can think of getting love from his husband. Yes, husband I don’t want to be called your boyfriend. I already have considered you as my better half my sweety. I have applied vermilion in your hair parts year back but that time it was just a dream but now it’s like dream come true. No matter how much we fight every day, I may be harsh and rude but that will never ever decrease my love for you my sweetu. I want to be with you every single second of my life, I feel awesome when you are with me talking to me, giving all of your time to me but as soon as you leave me I start missing you and end up loving you even more. All the time your face, your smile is in front of my eyes. When I hear your giggling or smiling it take my breath away. And when I see you cry I wish if I could be there and hug you tightly and wipe your tears away with my kisses. That’s why by doing any stupid things I try to make you smile. I just love it when you smile. And I love it even more when you get up in the morning from your sleep and you speak in that childlike accent. I wish if I could be there and could love you in all the possible ways. I want to be the guy want, the guy you have dream of or every girl dreams about. I want to fulfil all of your wishes desires. No matter if you are just 20 or nearly 21, I am ready to marry you. I would love to take care of a child or my sweetest daughter if I put in better words. I want to be the only one who can bring smile on your face and who can wipe your tears. I want to be the only one whom you think of when you are in trouble or sad or in bad mood. I want to get bugged by you every day for small things. I want if you are dependent on someone then it should be me and only me. I want to be the shoulder you want when you have to cry.

I want to be the person you want to hug when you are sad or happy. I want to be the first one to see your face and listen your voice when I get up from sleep. I want to be the voice you want to hear when you go to sleep. I want your hand to hold in my happy and sad moments throughout my life. I want to take all your sadness and pains and want to give you all my happiness. I want to be the arms you want to be in. My lips to be the one you want to kiss. My hand, my shoulder, my chest to be the one you want to put your head while sleeping. I want to be the person whose hand you will hold while crossing a road or roaming around. I want to be the one who will serve you Bournvita in the morning and will bring chocolates or anything in the evening. I want to be the one who will give you his back ride whenever you want to have fun. I want to be the one with whom you can fight without getting afraid that he can leave me. You are my first thought when I get up in the morning and my last thought when I go to sleep. I will always love you. I will always admire your beauty, your smile, and your silly talks. I want to grow with you from now onwards. I want to take all of your responsibilities. I want to be your guide, your support from now on. Till my death I want to be with you. I love you and that’s why I need you for my whole life. Thanks for accepting me sweetu. I LOVE YOU INFINITELY D. Yours and only yours k****..... Love you sweetheart......muaaahhhhh this one on your forehead......muaaahhhhh this one your nose :P......muaahhhh this one on your cheeks......muaaaahhhhhhh this is on your lips.......muaaahhhh this is on your neck.......muaahhhhh this is on your ears......muaahhhhh this is on your hands.......muaahhhhhhh this is on your head. LOVE YOU ! and meet me soon stupid I really want to plant all these kisses on your face.

Last Holi with her at home.... After few days it was Holi. My mom, my sister used to tease me as for the whole day I used to talk to her. One day I was speaking to her and she wasn’t sounding well. I asked what happened. She didn’t tell me. Again I asked what happened. Then she told me she skipped her dates. So she is feeling pain. What could I do in this but she was in pain, I couldn’t bear that. When a girl talks about her periods and all such talks with a male friend then you can understand how close she would be to that guy. So was smiling too that she is gradually getting involved in me but at that time I had to make her feel comfortable. So I was doing anything. She gets afraid at night. I knew this. But unknowingly somehow some topic rose regarding ghosts. I said these dogs bark at night because they can see spirit. She made her face. I recalled what did you say stupid. She will get afraid. Then I said “I was kidding. They bark because they want to have sex.”:D. And she laughed at this like anything. Her condition was like rolling on the floor. And I was satisfied that my job is done. My queen is out of danger now. But she felt more pain after laughing. At that time I wanted to be with her over there, so that I can hold her hand and make her forget her pain in my love. I didn’t know this fact, someone can feel this much pain in periods. My sweet daughter, I wished if I could take her pain. I was googling about this stuff. Why someone feels so much pain.

What can be remedies? I was telling her like she doesn’t know. I found that having sex can reduce that pain. I wanted to ask her to marry me as soon as possible then I’ll help you out with this by having sex ;) but if I would say that she will turn red into anger so I said masturbate that will help you. After all that is the only option when you can’t have sex. Anyhow I just wanted to heal her pain. Whenever she is not feeling well or not good or having some health issues I hate it being so far from her. At that time I don’t know why I get this gut feeling that only I can help her out and I should be with her. Next day she took the pill and now she was feeling easy. One day we were chatting. She was on cam. Late night she made me to sleep. I was deewana about her. I could be awake no of nights for talking to her. At about 3 AM I called her. I didn’t expect she will pick my phone but whoa she picked and she asked what happened. I said “Just wanted to say I love you”. She said “pagal aadmi so jao”. And she smiled. I wanted to say her to kiss me but she gets upset with all this so I didn’t say. Later she messaged me “you are the sweetest person I ever met in my life. You have a golden heart”. I was feelings at cloud 9 that my girl thinks so much about me. But now the things have changed. Now I am the worst person she ever met in her life. Golden heart, no, I don’t even have a heart. Anyways....so all these words used to make me feel more love about her. I generally say I love you to her after talking to her. It comes on my tongue automatically. One day we were talking and I didn’t say that. I asked her you didn’t feel bad that I didn’t say I love you today. She said it’s not a rule. If someone says so many times then it looks like wordly. Don’t make it a rule and stick to its actual meaning. I was like what....I didn’t mean it whenever I used to say it. I always felt that whenever I said. But she doesn’t like so I won’t bring it on my tongue. I felt bad but it’s ok my girl doesn’t like then I won’t do. It was Holi. I already asked her that we will exchange our pic in colours. I went outside with my friends. We were talking in messages. She told me that my sister and her husband coloured her. She threw water on her. As I said my mind is naughty. I don’t ever leave any chance to tease her. I said “you would be looking too hot, drenched in water”. She felt bad about it and said “something can be offensive. We will talk later.bye”. My mood got swing. I was thinking I was talking to my gf, I could say that right and I can be naughty with my gf. But she is not that comfortable with me and how stupid am I. How could I say this when she is with me for past 20 days only. Definitely, she will feel bad. I am such a dumb head. I had spoiled her mood on occasion. I was abusing myself. Why do I open my so big mouth? I was feeling guilty and ashamed too. I said sorry but I knew I made a mistake. This was my FIRST MISTAKE. In the evening she sent me her pics. As always, she kills me with her looks. She was looking extra fair and her smile Ohhh God...why is she not with me. I will smother her face with my kisses. I was leaving from home.

She called me to take care while leaving. She had become my wife completely. I too was expecting her call. If she hadn’t called me, I would have spoiled my mood definitely. I was going to airport and I still remember her one message. It was “mera muh, mere aap, acche aap”. On every such message where she shows that I belong to her, I kiss my phone so hardly. On that day Babaji was about to come at her home. She was saying that I wanted you to meet him. I said “don’t worry next time I’ll be there as your husband”. I asked her to send her pic as she was wearing suit on that day and I always love it when she wears Indian dress like suit or saree. She asked me only which one to wear. She sent her pic. She never admires her pic or her beauty. She is a born stupid. My girl is the world’s best girl. She has got such a beautiful face, nice smile, sweet voice, best figure, lovely hairs and above all a beautiful heart that beats for me.
I came home. I was so eager to see her. But as soon as I took bus from airport, she told me that her net is not working and I spoiled my mood. She was enjoying this seeing me dying for her. Bad girl...huhhhh.....sadu likes to make me get crazy about her. At home I discussed with her that I got an offer from US. But then I couldn’t talk to her much. She was neutral. She was saying you see. If you want to go then go for it. I was afraid of losing her. I won’t be here then there won’t be any communication. Our relationship was not that matured till now that it won’t affect it. She wasn’t completely into me. She wasn’t at that madness level yet. If the relationship is mature then how much you are talking, when you are meeting doesn’t matter much. But she just started feeling. On the other hand her parents will like it if their daughter goes so far from them? I talked about everything after reaching here. I wanted if something should happen between us if I decide to go. But she was saying that’s also not possible. She was promising me that we will talk like this only. But then I left the idea. I didn’t want to lose her as I could get many such opportunities later but not my girl.
We were fighting almost every day and what the topic was. Nothing!

It was just my expectations which were causing the clashes. She was there with me for past 1 month only and I was expecting too much from her. Why does she stay away from me? Why doesn’t she ever talk to me from her side, doesn’t she miss me, why only I have start the conversation? Why she never asks to meet? Why I can’t that madness, that commitment in her? For everything she had answers. If I said “you never call me or never have I seen that you want to talk me from your side. I don’t see that urge in you to talk to me, to have me with you”. She said “does it matter who is talking first? And I think that you will be busy so I don’t call you. If this is your criteria then yes I don’t love you. I can’t give proof of my love. I don’t owe you any explanation”. Why she always has to shout when I want to talk something? Can’t she talk nicely and why she has to show me attitude like “I don’t owe you any explanation, think whatever you love to.” Can’t she just make me feel secure with her love if I am not feeling good or feeling insecure? It was 15th March. I called her to sort this out. It was enough. We were fighting more than loving each other. I was feeling pain that I am fighting with my sweetheart. I asked her “why is this happening”. She never wants to talk about issues. She always runs away. So she was doing this. She said we will talk later when I’ll come online. She came online. I asked her calmly, “why is this happening. What can be the solution”? First she kept ignoring it saying that talk about something else otherwise I’ll leave. But I asked “my swear, talk to me”. Then she asked me to open her Gmail and read a mail in her draft. It was written on 9th March. After reading I didn’t feel ground underneath me. And the mail was: “k**** i have a confession to make... i d't knw why but m not liking dis relationship thing at all..i liked my frnd k****....and mujhe dar lagta hai k i mistuk missing my fnd as luving him...but as i promised i w't leave u ...i w't do it....bas aapko ye batana tha.... nahi bata k aisa lagega k dhoke me rakha aapko...i d't want to loose my frnd but...dis relationship thing is like...pata nahi kya..its eating me up...i do love u but i can't take dis...filhaal aisi condition me hu k na apne ghar pe kisi se kuch keh sakti hu na kisi frnd se.. you knw i realy do love u ..a lot...but...i d't knw ye waisa pyar hai k nahi...maine bohot koshish ki k aap mujhse door ho jao...ye bhi k aap mujhse chidne lag jao...itna bura bhala kaha k mujhe laga ab pyaar to door nafrat bhi na karoge....but kuch hua hi nahi har dusre hafte aapki or bhi kharab condition dekh k bohot bura lagta tha...apne mujhe jis gandagi se nikala tha maine aapko usi me daal dia ye soch soch k bohot bura lagta tha...den aap ma papa se bhi mil lie...tab se ma ne thora force kia.. sab kuch bada mushkil ho gaya mere lie....vo guilt ma ka samjhana or aapka insist karna in sari cheezon k sath aise patthar jaise pade rehna bohot mushkil tha den aapka vo mail was a bullet on my head...us din se maine khud ko samjhana shuru kar dia k u've been such a gud frnd..kisi bhi relationship me bande ka dost hona sabse zada zaroori hota hai dat..... u are a gud human being as well...4 once mere man me bhi bhale hi kuch samay k lie feelings bhi aayi thi..and most of all dosti ki hai agar aapse to nibhani chahiye..aapki khushi dekhna chahiye ye sab soch k i made my mind....k kisi se to karna hi hai pyaar to y not my bestie..y not d one who really wants it...par aaj is date me i feel m bluffing u...aaj tak kam se kam cheater hone jaisi feeling to nahi thi... and mai aapko hurt karne ya uppet banane is relation me nahi hu...i hope....no m sure k i'll definitely fall 4 u one day in dat typical way....yes i feel 4 u...i luv u i want all d happiness in dis world 4 u bas ye waisa pyaar nahi hai....i wish i could do something about this... ab jab ma papa bhi issue create kar rahe hain or dar lag raha hai...mujhe nahi samajh a raha k maine jo kia ya jo kar rah hu wo sahi hai ya galat..ye bhi nahi samajh a raha k ye baat kis se puchu..kisi frnd se puchungi to wo log biased hokar answer denge...ma papa samjhenge hi nahi mera point...aapse puchne ki himmat nahi...or fir aap hi to kehte the na mujhse k agar ma papa aapko choose karke late tab mai kya karti...to tab shayad mai haan kar deti...to aise hi sahi...isse atleast aap to khush ho..us din maine kaha tha na aapse,,u have been a savior... m in ur debts and i owe dis much to u atleast...pata nahi ye mail aapko bhejne ki himmat bhi nahi ho rahi...dar hai aap fir se toot jaoge fir shayad mujhpe kabhi bharosa bhi nahi karoge...kya kru mai !”

In a wink my all dreams were shattered. I was feeling like someone took my heart out of body, crushed it brutally and threw it somewhere. I was feeling so much pain. I rewind my life to 2nd Feb. Everything, her every promise, her every word were echoing in my ears. What was all that? An illusion? Whenever she said I LOVE YOU what was that? Was that fake? Now she wants to be with me just because she made a promise to stay with me. She wants me to put me in her debts? Is this a relationship or a contract? She felt pity on me and jumped into the relationship? She wants to do this just because of me not because she really wants to be with me? I was broken. I wasn’t getting what’s right what’s wrong. I wasn’t able to decide. Now I was getting everything. Why she did never feel the urge to talk to me, why I didn’t see that madness in her, why she used to get irritated when I kissed her and used to talk about our future, why I couldn’t see those feelings in her what I used to feel about her. Everything was clear to me. I got the answer of each of my question. Why we were having fights, why she could get courage to shout at me like anything, why she could abuse my love so easily without even thinking that how much it will hurt me? I remembered what she said on 26th Feb when we had fight “I won’t proof my love again and again and if you go to US then also nothing wrong will happen with our relationship, our relationship is not that weak”. Now I got how strong this relationship was, what you could prove sweety when love wasn’t there. It happened what I was afraid of. Many times I thought about it did she come with me because of some force, or she really loves me. Now I got the answer. I talked to her about going to US on 10th March and this mail was written on 9th March. Still she claimed on 10th that “if our relationship is so immature that it won’t sustain without talking, then I don’t want such relationship”. Just one day ago, when she saw that video which I sent her on 18th birthday, she said “love you too babu”. What was that? I wasn’t able to believe this happened to me. I was asking her again and again what that was when you said I love you. She said “I say I love you to my friends too”. What that was when you hugged me. She said “I hug to my other male friends too”.

I asked what that was when you were sharing your period stuffs with me. No girl can share this with any of her male friend. She said “I share this with my other female friends and you are special among my all male friends”. She had counter answers for each of my questions. She had to prove that whatever she was doing was doing as a friend only. She was telling me she is like this with everyone, not only with me. I had trusted her more than me. The day she said those three words I was afraid of me that again nothing wrong should happen with this sweet girl. I blindly trusted her from that day only and I was sure she would never ever leave me, she loves me and when a broken heart loves, it’s always true because that person can understand what real love is, what it means to break someone’s heart, what it means to leave someone who loved you truly, so I wasn’t worried about that she will leave me one day. But I doubted myself whether I’ll be able to give her lot of love or not. But I didn’t know what I’m afraid of will happen but not from my side, from the other side on whose love I trusted more than my love. Anyways no worries, she is my daughter, my sweet small child and children are allowed to make mistake. Her innocent voice is whispering in my ears, her childlike face is coming in front of my eyes and I want to give so much love to my this child that I can’t describe in words but God couldn’t bear that I’m loving my daughter so much and he didn’t let that happen, he didn’t give me enough chances to drown her in my love.

She too wasn’t wrong. She did this for my good sake. She is so innocent that she didn’t think about herself that she won’t be happy with me in relationship and she jumped into this to make me feel happy. I am surprised how she would have tolerated all this for that one month. If you don’t love someone but still you are with him or her, it’s like being a slave; you are just a thing to please someone. So I am the culprit, I am the one who is guilty. I made her suffer. She was insisting me that she won’t leave me. She will keep her promise. But I couldn’t do that too. Whole night we talked about this. In the morning I didn’t go to office. I was too unstable to do anything. In the morning she said “give me some time. I know I can be happy with you. But I want some time”. She was asking me tell me what should I do. I will do whatever you will ask for. What could I ask for? I thought I should meet her. Probably it can help; if she is confused. I decided to go. She kept saying no. She went to take bath and I booked my flight for that day only. I didn’t have any return journey ticket. I was just seeing her. I was losing her. I had to save her. I told her I am coming tomorrow. She wasn’t looking interested in that too. She was making me feel so depressed about meeting too. Once I thought she is not interested then I shouldn’t go. I went to take something for her. I got card for her wrapped some of the gift for her. I asked her “you want to meet me or not”? She said “you decide. If you want to come, come”. She always does this. She leaves everything on me. I got late in all this. I caught a cab. It was too late. I was worried if I’ll miss my flight. I was acting with her like I’m happy but at every moment I was crying. When I was in the cab she called me and asked “how should I meet you tomorrow”? I said “what do I say, your wish”. She said “I don’t know, you tell me”. I “ok meet as a girlfriend”. She said “can I meet as a friend”? When she has to decide then why the hell did she ask me? I didn’t want to spoil the meeting. So anyhow I made myself to cheer up. I involved her to talk to me. Luckily I didn’t miss the flight. I got down at Nagpur. From there I had to catch bus for her place. It was 7 hours journey from there. And there was no seat available in sleeper or Volvo. Then I booked a seat in AC sitting bus. I could see that she was leaving me. Though we were talking through messages but there wasn’t that spark. I asked her “yesterday night, you were saying you want some time. You will be happy with me? Will that work”. She said “I can’t even do that now when you know everything”. I asked her to delete that day from the memory. Even I too wanted to do that. I was all excited about meeting her but had a pain in my heart. I asked her to be in her best dress when coming to meet me. But she said if I will be in some new dress mom will ask. I reached to her place early in the morning. Still there were 4 hours to meet her. I didn’t get any sleep at night. Still I was unable to sleep. She asked me that she will meet me at 10. It was tough for me to kill the time and wait to see her. I had to manage my return ticket also. So I got ready and went to railway station but couldn’t get my ticket. I came back to my hotel. Then I got a call from her that she is waiting for me at a mall. I was jumping into the air. I was thinking what would be her reaction when she will see me. Our first meeting wasn’t that good. How will it be now? If she had been my girlfriend I would have kissed her on her forehead but I couldn’t do that now. I took auto and asked him to reach at that place. This was the same mall where we met for the first time. So I remember which way goes to that place. As soon as I was getting close to that place my heartbeat was increasing. As I reached there, everything from the past flashed back. I went inside. My body was shivering. She was sitting in a coffee shop. I reached in front of that. I was so afraid. Suddenly she saw me from inside. I went inside and she hugged me. Whoa......I never ever expected that she will hug me. I didn’t want to leave her and wanted to say keep hugging me even more tightly. First she was sitting in front me but it was unbearable to me. I asked to come and sit beside me. She was denying but I insisted. Then she came. I took her hand in my hand and from that moment for the whole day her hand was in my hand. But all the time had a pain in my heart that I can’t have her hand for my whole life. Not even for single sec I wanted to look at anything else except her. I was staring and she was saying don’t stare. She was looking so beautiful. I could smell her hair and fragrance from her hands was coming to my hands. I was holding her hand so tightly. Then I was searching her bag to tease her. She was getting annoyed and again went to the opposite seat. I pleaded her to sit with me. I think she was getting uncomfortable with me. I removed clutter from her hairs. Now she was looking even more stunning. I wanted to hold her tightly in my arms and wanted to stop the time right there. I gave her that photo mug and her photo prints and few more things what I brought for her, but she didn’t take any of them. I have never seen anyone not accepting the gift when someone brings them with so much of love and his feelings are attached with them. I was feeling bad. Though I didn’t make those things myself, but when I bought them for her, my feelings, my love was there no. She very easily says throw them. I didn’t ask you to bring. It was hurting me. I was so sad that she isn’t my girl anymore. She was consoling me again and again. I wasn’t able to stop my tears. I was feeling so helpless. She was trying whatever she could do to make me feel happy. Many times she hugged me and I was wishing if she could hug me every day until I die. Then she ordered something to drink. For herself she ordered cool blue and for me coffee. I too wanted to have what she was having but she denied as I was having cold. She takes good care of me, no doubt. I asked to leave few sips for me. I wanted to take a sip from the same straw, from which she was sipping it. She was getting annoyed on my, this foolishness but I wanted take water from her used glass and that too from there, where she put her lips. I might not get this chance ever to be with her again in future. It was like nectar for me. She won’t get this feeling when you share the drink or some eatable item with your lover. We were talking this or that. I wanted to stare her without saying any word. People around there were looking at us like some movie is going on, she was hugging me, and her hand was in my hand. One couple was sitting over there and D was staring at that girl. I was asking her not to do that, but she is Jhansi ki rani. As soon as time was going, my heart was sinking that she will leave me now. What I had dreamed about her that we will do this or that whenever we will meet after getting into the relationship but things never work the way I dream about. What wrong did I do with someone? Why God can’t fill her heart with love for me? Why our meeting was again a sad meeting. Then her friend came for some time. He too had to come then only when time was running out. Even for a single min I couldn’t see her far from me at that time. I was getting angry that why couldn’t you ask him to meet next day, just for a pen drive he had to meet today only? But I wasn’t her guy, why she would do this. Or might be she doesn’t know when and how to prioritize things. She always says I keep everyone at the same level. Anyways I was praying that he should leave as soon as possible and finally he left.

Thanks god. I hardly spoke anything to him. Just a little introduction. There were already so many things going through my head. And on that, speaking to a stranger not easy for me and when he is taking my time to be with my sweetheart. I wanted to go out with her for lunch but she denied that someone will see us together. I asked that I’ll come by auto but she denied for that too. She ordered something there only but not for her. I insisted many times but she didn’t. I asked her to feed me. First she denied then I took one bite with her hand. Thank God, at least you gave me this opportunity to have something with her hand. She was getting call from her home. She had to go. I held her hand even more tightly now. I couldn’t stop my tears. I kissed her hand. I didn’t want to leave her. I was feeling like, right there I should marry her. I wanted to kiss her and I told this to her too. I was getting mad. But she had to go. I asked her to go and leave me alone. I’ll leave later. But no, she gets what she wants. She took me too with her. Then she asked me that she will drop me. I didn’t want that. I was already dying. Seriously, I wanted to die at that moment. She said again and again and asked me to sit behind and she will drive. I agreed. And here comes the biggest mistake I could ever do. I clutched her belly and stomach from behind when she was driving. She was screaming that don’t do this. Errrhhh......I was completely in my senses at that time. I knew this what I am doing is wrong. I hated myself while I was doing that. But there was something else going through my head. I didn’t think about the consequences that what it could lead up to. I wanted her to push me hard and I fell down on the road and someone should run over me. Shit....what I was doing. I had that revolution 2020 scene that let her hate me. But I didn’t know how weak I am that I can’t live with her hate to. I won’t write much about that incident. It was so disgusting. I will hate myself always for doing this to her. I still feel like I should cut my hands for doing this. She dropped me and left. I was being sorry what wrong I did. Then I was roaming here and there on the road. As I knew if I go back to hotel, I will feel lonely, will hurt myself, will cry. I went to station but the ticket was not confirmed. I switched off my phone. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I was feeling so lonely in the world. When I switched on my phone, I got her message. Soon she called me and asked me to come close to her home. Her parents were out and she didn’t go just to spend some more time with me. My stupid girl, her actions make me to love her even more. Why does she care about me so much? I went to that place. It took me around 1 hr to reach there. She came and again I wanted to stare her. She was in a t shirt and was looking like a child. Ohhh God...why she isn’t mine? What sins I have done? Why she can’t love me? She asked me to sit again and said we will roam here and there as there was no place where we could sit. Her hairs were coming on my face and sometimes in my mouth. I too wasn’t struggling to keep them aside. I was closing my eyes and let them come on my face. Then she parked somewhere and we were walking. I asked her that can we hold hands. She held my hands and said this is like we used to walk in our childhood. But I said no, my feelings are not like children. She didn’t say anything. I asked her to slap me as I was feeling guilty what I did with her. She slapped me too. I wasn’t speaking much as I was too sad to speak anything. Tears were in my eyes somehow I was controlling myself.

That area wasn’t good. It was dark there. I asked her to return back. One of her asshole senior was there, who always calls her to have friendship with him. He saw her with me and he asked some of her bastard friends to come over there. They came in full speed on bikes taking the whole space on the road and stopped his bike just few feet away from us. They abused. I was worried just about her. How I tolerated that, I knew only. Just because she was with me I didn’t say anything. I knew it I can’t do anything. They were 5-6, I was alone that too with a girl. I had to drink that. I asked her right now to leave from there. Her vehicle was parked somewhere else. They kept abusing us until we reached there. When she was driving then too, they were behind us, shouting to call police. Bloody assholes. She dropped me at auto stand and she left. I was worried about her what if she meets those guys again on the way to home? She shouldn’t face those guys until she reaches her home. I wanted to drop her, I asked her let me come with you but she couldn’t. Everyone will see in the colony she is roaming with a guy. After reaching home she called me, and then only I left from there. So this was our meeting, again a sad meeting. In the morning when I was leaving she asked when my train is. She wanted to come and meet me. I too wanted to see her before leaving. But time was not there. Though by that time there was no announcement that the train is late but I had the gut feeling that train is late. In that time she could come to meet. And yes when there were 10 min in the actual time of the train to come, they announced that train is late by 45-50 min. I could ask her to come but I didn’t. I controlled myself. I didn’t want her to rush and drive fast and come to meet me. Moreover, it will hurt me again to say bye when she will leave me. So better don’t ask her to come. In train I didn’t get any space, as the reservation wasn’t confirmed. I was too tired to wake up. I hadn’t slept for the past 2 days and then this pain that she was leaving me. I had a severe headache. I was crying again and again but wasn’t allowing my tears to come out of my eyes. When it was becoming difficult to stop, I was going to toilet to cry. I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to make her understand, that whatever she did in past 1 month was love. Let’s give some time to relationship, everything will be fine. But now she was saying, I can’t do this now. I am feeling suffocated. I didn’t want to lose her. When I was texting her, she went to meet her friend, who asked her to meet as he got it she is not fine. I was trying to convince her, and she was trying to convince me to leave her. Still, there were 32 hrs to reach home. Every single minute was so painful for me. I wanted to jump out of the train and kill myself. We were talking about this relationship only. She said and still she says that she wants a friend after marriage. She can’t love anyone. She doesn’t like being romantic or any such stuff. I had already imagined the worst situation what can happen if we get married. I was ready to accept everything. If she can’t love anyone, if she wants only a friend then why not with me. I was ready for this too. I had even imagined if she falls in love with someone else after marriage, then what will happen. I was ready to compromise with everything to be with her.

She was with me yet so far After reaching home, the things were too abnormal. I was again in that depression from which I came out a months back. My behaviour was already changed a lot, I was trying to come on track but again I started getting irritated on small things. Again, small-small things were hurting me. After 3-4 days, she raised that topic, what wrong I did with her. I was already feeling guilty about that, her words were making me to hate me even more. She started shouting “Do you respect me as a girl? You don’t love me. You lust me. Stop talking to me. ” I was again and again saying sorry but she was thinking that I am not sorry. We were talking on chat. She asked me that she wants to see my face at that moment. She didn’t believe my sorry. She was saying I use crying as a weapon. As always, she was giving me poison in her words. I was feeling 10 feet under the ground. According to her my love wasn’t true. I asked her to punish me but she said your punishment is not to talk to me. I couldn’t do that. I was slapping myself. I was begging to forgive me but she didn’t want to. She didn’t want to talk to me. For 2-3 days it was the only discussion. For her, I always cry to trap her. I use this as a weapon. I hated myself for doing that. I was feeling too much guilty. Why did I do that? I couldn’t undo that act but I really wanted to punish me as hard as possible except not talking to her. So I cut my shoulder and let the blood flow. I didn’t stop the blood for some time. I slapped myself too many time. I again cut at the same place to make it deeper and to hurt myself more. She was saying you made me guilty by doing that. She said “now I can’t even tell you if I feel something bad”. On some later date, she taunted me for this too “you cut your hand to stop me to leave you. You were not sorry but you didn’t want me to leave that’s why you did this.” She couldn’t forgive me for that. She will never forgive me. Still I feel that guilt and will always. We were in talking terms. She said let’s give 3 more months. On June 30th I will tell you my final decision. We were talking like before but I always had this thing that she is not like before now. Many times she said not to talk this much. But I didn’t want to lose whatever time I had with her. I was making fool of my heart that nothing happened. Our fights increased even more. On every silly topic we were fighting. Many times she misunderstood what I wanted to say and started making issues on that. Again and again she was finding the reason not to be with me. “If this can annoy you now, it will annoy you later too; we can’t be good life partner.” Why she always talks about leaving me. I wanted to accept everything, I wanted to compromise with everything but she didn’t. It was like she is judging me. “If you can do this now, later on also you will do this” and all such kind of arguments she had to give. Good relationships don't just happen; they take time, patience and two people who truly want to be together.

But whatever she used to say in fights, or the way she was taking the things wasn’t indicating at all that she truly wants to be with me. I was talking to her happily like nothing happened but all the time she used to be on my mind and the truth that she is not mine. She doesn’t love me. When I used to talk to her, I could manage to show I am fine, but actually things have changed. I was again in the same situation, rather in worse condition. She continued to be in my dreams as always. By then I hadn’t told this at home, so mom, di kept asking how it is going. How is your S*****. Hah... my S*****. I didn’t have to courage to tell them. We used to talk almost whole day. But she stopped coming on video chat now. After coming from her place, we talked on cam for 2-3 days. After that I haven’t seen her live till now, except in photos. Many times we decided to stop talking, but I only couldn’t do that.

There were lot of misunderstandings between us. Might be because we can’t see the expression in message or when we chat and because of distance. So this was also the reason for our fights. One day she was out of balance, so I recharged her phone with 50 Rs. She got angry. She shouted at me “who you are, you are not my father, not my brother, not my boyfriend, not my husband. Why did you recharge my phone?” I recharged it so that we can talk in messages otherwise for whole night I won’t be able to talk to her but she made me realise once again that I have lost all the rights on her. One day she was calling me papu. I love it when she too feels it that she is my daughter. But I was getting senti on this and I said “by doing this, I am falling for you even more” or something like that. She got angry on this “why didn’t you tell me that it hurts you? Now I won’t say this ever”. Stupid girl, why she has to take everything wrongly? It never hurts me sweetheart, at that time I feel to bring whole of the world in your feet. I feel so much of love about you when you accept yourself as my daughter. Why don’t you ever understand that? On all these silly topics, we had fight and as she is too stubborn, she doesn’t leave it easily. I get hurt so much that why are we fighting on such things, I cry, I beg, I feel like I should hit myself for causing this. But she doesn’t understand this. For her my tears are my weapon to bring her back. It was a month of April. It was the same time, when she left me last year. Actually I get afraid in these 3 months, April, May and June. Always she left me in this time window only. Except this whatever wrong has to happen with me, happens during these months only. Meanwhile, my parents were also asking that should we talk to her parents again. I was avoiding saying anything on this. When the girl only is not taking stand for me, what can I do? It was 22nd April. She said that some guy’s family is coming to see her. As soon as she said, my heart sunk. Till then, I had some false hope that something will happen by 30th June, but now I was feeling like I have lost her. Again, we had arguments. At last I asked her do you want to live with me or with someone else. She said not with you. I again asked, and then she said with you. How come, she is so confused? Then she said, “We can’t be good life partner but I can live with you for you”. What the crap. She wants to put me in her debts for my whole life? She is doing all for me? She doesn’t have any feelings for me? I asked can anything happen by 30th June? She said “we both are aware of the fact. Nothing can happen.” So we decided not to talk. I sent her that love letter which I hadn’t sent her till now. Then she called me. She was crying. She said “I want to tell you a truth”. I asked “what is that”. She made up a story and said “I dated 4 guys and I am not virgin”. Now I wanted to slap her seriously. Why she has to make up stories. What does she think? I will believe her? Don’t I know her? I asked her to swear on God, on her mom, to speak up why she told that lie. But she swore on God, and said it wasn’t a lie. “I read your letter, so I thought I should tell the truth to the person who loves me so much”. I said “fine, you told your truth. Now what do you expect? I will leave you or I won’t love you anymore?” She said “you have a nice choice. You want to love a whore”. Now I lost my tamper even more. Why she has to do this. Doesn’t she know, anything against her hurts me so badly? I shouted at her. She wasn’t speaking why did she say that and wasn’t accepting her mistake. I was already in anger and she was irritating me even more by saying shit. I said “fine, don’t accept your mistake and I am hurting myself”. Then she said “I am sorry. I wanted you to hate me”. What a silly girl. I will hate her for dating 4 guys and having sex with them? Is it so easy to hate the one whom you love? If she really had done that and now wanted to love me or be with me, still I would have accepted her but the sad thing was she doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t know where my love was lacking. She said “please forgive me whatever I did with you”. Whenever she says this line, I feel even more love for her. I have treated her more like a daughter rather than girlfriend. So I feel like she is my daughter. What I fill forgive her. I don’t even have any grudge or any hard feelings for her. And then I feel like kissing her head.

Whatever dreams I have seen with her as my soul mate, I always saw treating her like a small kid, like a doll always pampering her, feeding her, doing her work, making her happy, shopping for her, and do things for her. I always love doing things for her whether she is talking to me or not, shouting at me, or hating me. So it feels bad whenever she says to forgive her. My sweety you don’t ever need to say sorry shona. So from the next day we were not talking. I didn’t text her good morning message. If she talks to me, I can console my heart but when she is not talking I can’t even do that. I feel like I am not alive. She starts running in my mind since I get up and runs continuously until I sleep. Doesn’t she ever get tired? How much stamina she has to run for whole long day in someone’s mind. I was going office and I was crying while I was on the way. Why God let her come to me if he had already decide to separate us. I just escaped from getting hit by a bus. Somehow I brought back my concentration. I wasn’t able to work. I wanted to hear her. Till noon, I stopped myself but after that I couldn’t do. I called her and again we started talking and I again made my heart fool that something definitely will happen.
After 2-3 days my parents talked to her parents. And her parents said they will come to my home in June. My parents told me and I was surprised how did this happen. I told her. She was getting mad. Why they want me to get married so soon. I said no one is asking you to get married now. But she wasn’t listening. She said I can find good guys later also. It hurt me again. It doesn’t matter for her if I come in her life or not. I asked her “does it make any difference, if I come in your life or not”. She said “No, the only difference is that our friendship will sustain”. I was depressed. She doesn’t love me. I am nothing for her. She doesn’t want to be with me. I don’t make any difference in her life as a life partner. But I had trust on my love. I was confident that once she comes with me I’ll give her so much of love that she will fall for me. I am fully aware of that fact that how unstable she is. I know this too that when we fight she can make me die. I know this too that she can abuse my love in anger and can hurt me like anything but knowing all that I wanted to be with her. I don’t know what thing makes me to attach with her so strongly. I don’t want to leave my daughter, my wife, sometimes my mother too.

Final Breakup On 30th April I came from office. We were talking nicely in messages. I reached home and called her. We were talking nicely on phone and for teasing her I said some ridiculous word to her and it was “chamaar”. I never thought she will take that in offensive way and she shouted “jabaan sambhal kar bat karo, thappad padega”. I was already feeling bad and this thing added more. I was feeling like without any reason someone punched on my heart. Why she always has to talk to me like this? She can’t even take my jokes? I asked “what I said so you had to be this rude. What wrong did I say?” It was such a ridiculous word and she took in completely different meaning. But she again shouted. I too felt bad and lost my tamper completely and said in anger “first mind your language what all you say to me. I didn’t say those words. First look at yourself how do you speak. Do you ever try to look at that or how do your close ones speak” I wasn’t getting why did she shout on that word? It was such a funny word. She said “ok whatever I said that was right. You were troubling me at that time”. Again I felt a blow on my heart. Everything from the past came in front of my eyes. I said “ok, before pointing me point yourself and your near and dear ones. You don’t see anything wrong when you do something or your close ones do something. Either I am the exception in those close people or I’m not at all in that category.” She said “continue, keep speaking. And whatever my cousin said was right, nothing wrong. You were troubling her sister.” I was like what the hell. She is justifying whatever she said about my family, my sister. And my intention was to trouble her? And if she takes it like I was troubling her then it gives her cousin the right to talk dirty about my family? She says I don’t mean my sorry but did she mean her sorry when on day 1 she said sorry for everything? Today, she told me how much sorry does she feels. I disconnected the phone. After 2-3 hours I called her but she didn’t pick up my phone and messaged me “In no mood to talk”. For that night we didn’t talk. Next morning I was filled of love for her. It had enough. I wanted to talk to her. I decided to call her and say sorry, because it was my mistake also that I brought the past thing in between. I couldn’t wait for her call or her message. I wasn’t even expecting as she never comes from her side when we fight. So I decided to call her and calm down the things. She picked up the phone. I asked “angry”? She said “shouldn’t I”? I said “ok, wrap this up”. But she said “don’t want to talk. It’s my exam” and disconnected the phone. I texted some sweet message and that was coming from my heart. Every morning I wanted to give her so much love. But she said “don’t want to talk”. I asked “for how long or never ever”? She said “never”. I messaged her “please end this up. I want to end this up that’s why I called you then why don’t you give me your hand.” She said “I don’t want to end this up”. I was feeling like I am fool. Again in anger I texted her “right, you don’t want to end this up. If you wanted to, you would have called me up in the morning. But you never do so. You never come from your side to end the fight.” And this acted as catalyst. She said “yes, I don’t ever come; I don’t want to end this up. Thanks for letting me know that why did you say sorry”. She decided not to talk to me. I called her again and she started crying. My heart started sinking seeing her crying and I too was feeling like shit man she is crying. I too was feeling like crying. I was asking her not cry. But she didn’t want to talk to me. She said “you say sorry just to bring me back. You never mean sorry. I have seen the real you. Now I don’t want to talk to you. Thanks for clearing my confusion that yes I don’t want to be with you now.” I messaged her in anger before that “all these things happen in relationship but would you do the same every time? After every fight will you bring the divorce paper in front of me?” So she added this too, in her axe like words “yes, I can’t live with you. God won’t punish me this hard that he will make me listen all this every time. It won’t happen, I won’t let it happen. Now I know actually what you are. I will ask my parents that I don’t want to marry you.” I was crying and her words were tearing my heart into pieces. Common I wanted to end the fight and it ended up here. She said so many things that she has seen the real me. I was fake, my sorry was fake. I called her again but she had exam so she didn’t talk and disconnected the phone. I was crying like anything that she is leaving because of this reason. After 2 hours she texted me “I am sorry”. I called her up and tears were rolling from my eyes on my own. It was such a disaster that she decided to end this relationship. I was making her understand and I was saying sorry. I was actually feeling sorry because I know I said too many things yesterday evening. But she didn’t believe that and she took in completely different meaning and she said “Don’t ever say sorry. You never mean it. You say sorry just to end the fight and bring me back. And this relationship thing is not possible now. We can’t get along for sure.” I was crying hard. I was walking on the road and I was crying bitterly. She disconnected the phone and said I am having food, will talk later. I reached home and called her up. Whenever she talks about leaving me I lose myself. I feel so depressed. I love her too much. I don’t want to let her go. I wanted to make her understand so I called her. I said sorry. My eyes were crying out. I was actually sorry but she didn’t want to accept. I tried to make her understand. I said “you were justifying whatever your cousin said, so I said lot many things in anger.” But again she said “yes, whatever she said was right.” She was not accepting whatever her cousin said about my family was wrong. She again and again saying it was right. She didn’t want to say that her cousin was wrong. And this made me to lose my control again. I too said in anger “ok, if that was right, then you cousin also is a whore.” And I disconnected the phone. Soon after disconnecting I realised what I said. Fuck man, I shouldn’t have said this. I did wrong. I shouldn’t have done this. I called her again and I said “felt bad na. I too felt bad”. Before I could say sorry she started shouting. Then I said sorry but she already made up her mind that she won’t believe my sorry. So she said “I know your sorry. I don’t want to talk to you. Now I am feeling like I was fool that I asked my parents to talk to your parents. This is real you. Now I am feeling I trusted a wrong person.” I was crying out loud. I knew I messed up everything. I was again and again saying sorry. I was saying I love you.

But she didn’t take anything. Everything was fake according to her. She compared me even with her ex-bf. She said “I know how much you love me. Thanks for realising me your love. I don’t want this love. I trusted that person once and I was wrong. And again I trusted a wrong person.” Her every word was pinching my heart like anything. She declared my love was fake, I don’t love her, I don’t value her as a person. I just need a girl to show my love and get her love back. What the fuck. That’s why I was behind you stupid. That’s why I cried for the whole year. What not she said to me. “I can’t talk to you now. It’s against my, self respect. I can’t live with such a guy. Thank god you showed me your real face. Thank god I took time and in that time I could find out real you”. I was dying because of guilt, I said hundred times sorry to her and I was actually sorry but she didn’t want to listen anything. She had made up her mind. She abused my love, my feelings as all fake. She said “if I marry you, you will do the same again and then you won’t cry and won’t say sorry. You cry just to melt my heart and I always do that mistake and come back to you again and if this is true love then I wish no one should get this kind of true love”. She was saying anything like I cry just to stop her from going. My crying is also fake. I wanted to die at that moment. She was proving me a cheater, a dramatic guy who did everything just to get her. She was making fun of my crying. She was acting and showing me how do I cry and how do I say sorry. She was proving I had no feelings for her, no love. After splitting all the poison she finally said “This relationship can’t happen. I don’t care if you cry now. It doesn’t matter. I have seen your love and I don’t want this. I will make sure I don’t get married to you” and she disconnected the phone. I kept calling her , saying sorry, crying, vomiting, was touching her feet but everything was fake for her. Hahaha.......fake.....My love is fake that’s why I saw so many dreams about her, that how would I make her happy. How would I please her whenever she will get angry on me? How would I take care of her, when she is ill? Every time my apologies were fake that’s why because of guilt I cut my shoulder after returning from her place. She took that in a wonderful way. She took it like I am a crazy guy who can do anything and if something happens everyone will blame her. Stupid, I was feeling so sorry about that incident that I couldn’t resist myself by giving punishment. You always had only one option “stop talking to me”. Only one punishment for everything. Only one punishment for every fight. Did you ever want to come with me from the bottom of your heart???? Because who want to stay together they never talk about getting separated either sky falls or any disaster happens.
My feelings, my crying, my apologies everything was fake that’s why I used to cry after every fight. That’s why I spent painful nights after every fight that I hurt her. Because everything I did was fake that’s why I used to feel so much love for her after every fight. Just because of these fake feelings I wanted to hug her every morning. Yes now she had another word for this ‘lust’. I lust on her. When she was in relationship with me for 1 month or whatever time, I wanted to say I LOVE YOU to her so many times in a day. Those words used to come on my lips from my heart. But I stopped doing that too because she didn’t like it. She used to feel that when we say so many times it seems wordily. I stopped saying this not to make her upset because of my fake feelings for her. I used to feel sorry to God to after fights that I made her cry; I hurt her because my apologies were fake and I never meant my sorry. There is a saying “If you treat her the way like you treat others, how would she know she is special to you” and vice versa. She was always my first priority. I was 24 hours available for her. I used to treat her like a princess and after fights too I wanted to pamper her like my daughter, just because of my fake feelings, because I don’t value her as a person and I want her only because I want a girl to show my love and get love in return and because I lust on her. Whole evening I cried, I called her again and again but she didn’t want to listen. She didn’t want to live with me. Next day I called her again. It was so suffocating. I wasn’t able to breathe. Whole day I was crying. Only her words were echoing in my ears. She picked up the phone. Again I couldn’t stop my tears and she got the chance to say them fake again. She said “it’s not working. I don’t feel anything for your tears now. I can’t drink it that you talked about my sister. You made fun of my father. Later on too you will talk about my parents, and about me. So I can’t marry you at any cost. The person who made me cry this much, I can’t do anything for him. To punish you I have to dump you.” I kept crying, begging her but for her everything was fake. The incident what she was saying about her father, I hadn’t even thought about that my words will be taken in that way. How can I do that? I never ever thought like this about her father or mother or brother. I gave them so much respect but still she took that thing wrong. God knows my truth if I had any intention to make fun of her father. I was repenting on my anger. I was so full of guilt from the last two days. Because of my anger only I lost my love, my all feelings were proved fake. I didn’t know one day I’ll have to pay so much because of my anger. I was punishing hard myself for the last two days for my anger. I burnt my hand no of times but God didn’t see anything that how much I was feeling sorry for my act. He snatched her from me. I was losing trust on him as well as on love. I wanted to die. Why did I do this? What happened to my mind? When I am writing this, I am laughing upon myself. I am such a biggest loser. Did she ever understand what my love is for her? Just because of a fight, she decided not to come with me. I accept that I made a lot of mistakes, and I apologised for that so hard but she didn’t take any of them. I wanted to be with her that’s why I used to go to her after every fight, no matter who was wrong, whatever she said. But she took this too like I never meant my sorry. My sweetheart, it wasn’t like I never meant my sorry but I just didn’t want to stay angry or without talking. It kills me whenever we both are not talking. I did never say I always said sorry just to talk to you and I wasn’t wrong anytime or I did never mean my sorry but yes many times I used to say sorry to end the fight. And what’s wrong in this. If I say sorry to my sweetheart it won’t hurt my ego. It just means that I don’t want to live without her. And sweety you took this in very good way. My love for you is fake and I am a “kameena” not upto the level of your ex-bf but I am. These were your words.

Hah....because of this fake love I used to talk about you at my home. I wanted to take every fight with you for my whole life. I forgot everything whatever happened in past one year. I forgot even my, self respect for which you were talking that it’s against your, self respect to talk to me now. I too could think about all those things whatever you said to me on that day. I too could stop loving you sorry faking my love for you but I couldn’t do that, all because of my fake feelings. The whole picture from the day one when I met you to the day when you decided to crush my heart and kick me out of your life is going through my mind like a movie. You were the first girl with whom I was so much deeply in love again sorry ‘fake love’ or obsession or whatever name you want to give that. I am not left with any courage or any love to accept anyone in my life now. The person whom I loved so much gave me this at the end and kicked me out of her life saying my feelings were all fake. Whatever fake feelings I have, I am happy with those feelings. She said I can’t live with the guy who made me cry so much. But one thing is true my dear, no one can have this much fake feelings for you. I don’t know what the definition of true feelings is for you, what would be your criteria to judge those true feelings but I pray to God you find a guy with those true feelings for yourself but not with these fake feelings. And please God one more thing I’ll wish for, please I don’t want any girl to get hurt again with my fake feelings so don’t let that happen and make her wish true that “if this is true love, no one should get this true love in her life ever”. I just want you to make her every wish true including this one too. Anyways, I’m not the only one in the world who didn’t get his love. But one good thing happened after this. She set herself free. She won’t be in guilt anymore that I cried because of her or she put me in the same condition once again from where I pull her out. I am happy about this thing only that at least she can live happily now. I did it unknowingly but somehow it happened, what I wanted to do since long. To bring her out from this guilt many times I thought to do something wrong like it was in revolution 2020, but didn’t do because that could hurt her badly. But God played a good role in this and he made me to do this. To come out of my guilt since that day I burnt my hand no of times to feel more pain and if anyhow I can forgive myself that I lost her because of me only. I hurt myself in all possible way if by any miracle God can accept my sorry and fill her heart with lots of love for me but he didn’t see anything. He never saw how much I love this girl, how much I need her, what she is for me. He never saw that and snatched her from me forever. I am losing trust on him as well as on this love shit. I hate myself more now as compared to before. And again in the same condition where I was before 2nd Feb 2012, I think in worse condition than that. Thanks God for doing this joke with me. May 12th 2012.
I was already too low. Continuously I was crying like a baby. I wanted to talk to her but I couldn’t. I was full of hate for myself that because of me only I lost her. I wanted to break that promise what I made to her that I won’t drink. When there is no relationship then no promise. So I went to pub. I knew this after drinking I’ll miss her like anything. So to avoid calling her, I saved her no with “don’t call or text her”. I smoked; I drank like anything until it burnt my throat completely. Before finishing a drink I was ordering another one and that too the hardest drink that could be available. I entered at 9 PM and was there until it was closing time. I left from there at 12 AM. I was unable to walk properly. As usual I was finding her with me, all around me. I was watching her pictures in my phone, was reading her message. It was impossible to resist myself and I texted her. It was like my wife has left me. And I said whatever grief I had in my heart. I wanted her to be with me. I was asking my best friend in her to make my wife understand that I can’t live without her and how much I love my sweety. Everything from my past was flashing in front of me. I was sad that why am I not her no 1 priority as she is for me. She could meet her friends, could hang around with them, and could take pictures with them, always available when they want to meet her then why not with me? Why I was not given that importance which I give her. She gets worried when she is not able to meet her friends. She gets sad when her friends are moving from the city as she won’t be able to see them but why doesn’t she feel in the same way about me. She even stopped having video chat with me. Why only I miss her. Why only I want to see her. Why only I want to hang around with her like her friends. None of her friends likes me. Her best friend doesn’t like me. Another good friend of her doesn’t have some good impression about me. So I said “fuck them all” for her friends. I was hardly able to write anything. So this too went wrong. I wanted to write “fuck off them all” in the meaning “let them go to hell” but she too it like I am abusing them. Eveything was against me, my luck, God, her mind everything. She said “she doesn’t want to deal with me as I am drunk. Do whatever you love to, don’t bother me”. I came home. I stopped texting her. Whole night I was out my senses. I was in hangover or in sleep, I don’t know, but all the time she was in my dreams. Early in the morning, I again texted her. I was stuck in that 1 month relationship time period only. Still I am not able to come out of that. I texted her “I thought a broken heart always understands what love is. Then why don’t you understand that. Why did you leave me?” I had no intention to make her feel guilty. I just wanted to tell her how much I love her, how did I trust her love from the day 1 of this relationship, then why doesn’t she understand my love for her? In the impression of Alcohol a person always misses his or her lover the most. That’s what was happening with me. My heart was full of love for her. I was feeling her beside me and like, my head is in her lap. She is talking to me and she loves me. And I am telling her everything. I begged her not to leave me. I will do anything for her. I will cook for you, will wash your clothes too but don’t leave me. But she said not to text her that you are again trying to make me feel guilty. I didn’t message her after that. I was at my friend’s place. After coming out of my hangover I came to my home. I called her and she started shouting at me. “You were trying to make me feel guilty. You abused my friends. I can’t live with you ever. Now stop bothering me. I don’t want you anymore in my life. Now I got what you are actually.” I was out of balance. My, another no was blocked. So I asked her to call me. She said “why would I call you when I don’t want to talk to you”. Things were over between us. I had some mails in my draft which I didn’t send her before. I sent all those mails to her and I asked her whatever gifts I have collected for you, I’ll send them as well. I couldn’t burn her photographs or the things which belong to her. How could I do that? It’s like a sin for me. Neither could I give her gifts to anyone else. I can’t keep them as well. So, better to send them to her only. Her wish whatever she wants to do with them. If she would have little bit respect for my love, at least she will accept that someone brought them for her with so much love, otherwise she can throw. She said “yes, go ahead. It doesn’t matter for you if someone gets hurt with it or can get in trouble.” In reply of my mails she sent a long mail to me “u saw a broken heart u tried to console dat person and den aapko daya aa gayi nd u fell in luv wid dat person u fell in luv coz u thot she is broken herself to ye dhoka nahi degi...very well calculated..hamari dosti hui hi apke ehsan k sath den aap poore samay relationship k lie force karte rahe..kabhi dost jaise dekha hi nahi..! i walked away...twice..but as i said aapki zid k aage kaha kisi ki chalti hai ham fir dost bane..den too aako saamjh nahi aya aapne kabhi dost jaise dekha hota tab shayad mujhe samaj paate...aapne to sirf ek bechari ladki dekh li k boss isse pyaar kar lo ye dhoka nahi degi.. apne har tarah se ""last try"" kia u dragged my parents in dis shit..1 saal apne kitna saha ye na batana chahte hue bhi directly indirectly mujhe aap kai baar bata chuke ho but kabhi socha wat i went through despite of nt being wrong newhere ! no..u never did... aap rote aap mails karte aapse contact todne k baad bhi u kept on trying to pull me bina ye soche k mujhpar kuch adverse effect bhi pad sakta hai...y would u...u have dat winning instinct in u na...k jo chahta hu wo to pa k rehta hu.. aapko to "defeated" lagne lagta agar jane dete to..4 u it has always been abt u... u i d't know knowingly or may b unknowingly kept me feeling guilty..har possible tarike se...and till date u are doing d same..atleast trying to..den maine socha bande ne bohot kia mere lie bohot roya mere lie choro lets get into dis..khush to rahega ye meri khushi gayi tel lene..but how d fuck did i dare to go against the will or "the krishna sharma"..maine tab bhi aapke lie socha k inhe kam se kam sach pata hona chahiye wen u were depressed abt d fights..uske baad bhi u were d one who said aise ye relaton nahi chahte ..i said fine... u wanted to hurt urself to u did dat shit wen u were here..(qki aap chahte the k i shd push u.. u went down till dat extent) coz u felt it was right aap utni giri hui harkat kar sakte the coz u thot it was need of d hour..sahi hai aap mahaan insan aap aaj tak galat hue ho jo tab hote,,! meri sister ne mere lie protective hote hue apko abuse kia..usne jo kia i still say galat nahi kia i agree words she used were not correct but u retorted back equally infact zada acche se turant apne use suna dia tha,,baat wahi khatam ho gayi thi..but u kept on saying shit abt her indirectly i avoided through out but kitni baar !!! maine keh dia wat she did was not wrong to u on my face abused her..maine sapne me bhi nahi socha tha aap itna gir sakte ho...but mera dimag sach me chota hai aaj tak insan nahi pehchan pai ye kaise soch lia k apko janti hu...u made fun of my parents..(jo apke lie mazak udana nahi tha..shayad u tok dat way abt ur parents too n no one minds) jiske lie maine apko kuch kaha to u counter attacked saying meri soch galat hai.. mere dosto ko evry now n den kuch bhi kehte ho..i try n ignore evry tym agar palat k kuch keh du to mujhe sunn padta hai "tum mujhe kuch nahi kehti kya"..i d't know maine apko kya kya kaha kya nahi kaha..but itna to i knw maine kabhi kisi bhi insan jo mujhse related hai uski family k bare me ya usse jude logo k bare me aaj tak kuch bura kaha..but nevermind its in ur veins today i got to know dat.. u claim u luv me...hah...all wat u luv mr sharma is urself..apko agar kuch chahiye to aap kuch bhi karoge ro k lad k jhagad k doosro ko involve kar k kuch bhi kar k vo acheive kar hi lete ho..and dis time unfortunately dis relationship is dat "kuch" 4 u i am so very much thankful to god k maine us waqt vo jo bhi tha infatuation attraction watevr use wahi supress kar dia..u got drunk n toked to me jst to make me feel even more guilty dat u are spoiling ur life or will spoil ur life...well now m not getting tricked all over again its ur life if u r doing nethng to it it iss ur fault,,,i tried my best to help u...n u tried urs to help me know wat a bunch of shitty mistakes i've done.. aapke depts me jeena manjoor hai mujhe par apke sath nahi..u r not the one k****** u d't even deserve d nick names u've had..u can say i d't deserve to b luved too..bt if wat u say, u do n u feel is love...i better d't b loved ever..” Now, in this mail she accepted that the words her cousin used were wrong. On that day, when this fight began, she was justifying yes, whatever she said was right. And this provoked me that she is supporting what she said about my sister, my family and then I abused her cousin. Anyways, now what can happen, if she accepted that the words she used were wrong? Things cannot be undone. She left me and she can’t come back. And after reading this I accepted everything. I accepted I never loved her. I accepted that she had become a game for me what I had to win anyhow. My tears, getting crazy about her everything was fake. Everything was pre planned as she said. And yes it was a plan to trap her. I knew this very well what kind of dog I am. I got this too in the starting days only that how innocent she is.

So I planned everything to get her. Love wasn’t there. So finally she said all those things in a lil different manner what her cousin said to me that I can’t get any other girl, so I made fool of this innocent girl and trapped her. So she knew about my truth now. My game was over. She knew it I am a NARCISSIST. I also told her some truths about me which she never knew that I am a drug addict and I fucked two girls. I was wearing a mask just to win her. When she knows the truth, why not tell her the complete truth.

After the breakup Things have changed a lot after this. So do I. Everyday seems like a burden to me. Every morning she comes in my dreams just before waking up, speaks my name the way she used to call. As soon as I wake up, I feel like how I would pass this long day. So my day starts at 8 AM generally, I spend all the time in office. Whenever I am at home, her memories make me cry. I started spending long hours in office and coming home late at night. After coming back again start working. And when after this long day and doing all the efforts to keep myself busy, when I go to bed, I feel like all my efforts are in vain. I don’t get sleep. Generally I get sleep in morning hours only. Not even for a single sec, she is out of my mind. No matter how busy I am but she constantly running in my mind and above all I have to keep fake smile on face to show I am fine. I can’t cry in front of everyone, I can’t talk about what’s going on through my heart. I just have to drink it every day silently. Only I know how I spend whole day. Every night before sleeping I wish I shouldn’t get up in the morning, I can’t take another long day but again morning comes and brings a challenge for me. I keep dreaming about her. I get angry so easily now. Everything irritates me. I always feel so tired. I don’t know how to come out of this hell. Her exams ended on 19th May. I wanted to call her but I didn’t. I know her mail password, so I open her mail and read some of our conversations which I deleted before and those conversations which we had a year ago. From the last years chats I read few chats with her best friend too, just was curious how much she hated me at that time but found something else. Almost every day I see her photos and listen her recording which I downloaded from her mail. Why she had to go? When God knew all this, then why did he make her to come with me? Don’t I love her? She always comes in my dreams talking to me, or lying by my side or in some or the other form. Few days back only I saw a dream. It’s about 4.30 AM. Some black figure appeared in front of me and he was laughing at me saying that “I made this to happen. I didn’t let you guys meet forever”. I wanted to scream her name. Till then I was awake. I was trying hard to call her name but I couldn’t. I was feeling like someone has grabbed my throat so tightly. I was feeling suffocated. Then I started reading Hanuman chalisa. But after that I couldn’t sleep. I wanted to call her at that moment only but I had to stop myself. After few days of this nightmare I saw a very bad dream about her and that too in morning hours. She was in hospital. Something happened to her. As soon as I woke up I wanted to call her. But at that time it was too early. So I didn’t call her. At around 9 I called her but she didn’t pick up. I texted her that why I want to talk to her. I called her again and again but she was disconnecting my phone. She didn’t pick up my phone. Why she would receive the phone of the person whom she hates? I was too worried. Just once I wanted to hear her. But I couldn’t. But at least I was feeling light that she is disconnecting my phone that means she should be fine. Then I saw some updates on her facebook profile, so I get assurance that she is fine. On every Thursday I wear the same shirt which I was wearing on 2nd Feb. Whenever my phone rings, be it a message or a call, I wish it should be her saying “I love you too” and I rush to my phone. But when I look at it, I again get disappointed. Whenever I see her online on gtalk, I want to talk to her. It becomes too hard for me to stop myself. It’s like she is sitting right beside me and I can’t look at her, can’t talk to her. I knew it very well that she is too confused, she can be rude to me, she is unstable and immature but I was there with her to make her stable, to make her to take right decision. All these things don’t matter to me except one thing and that is her company.

I just wanted her endless love, her hand always holing me throughout my life, nothing more than that. I love everything in her even those words which I asked her not to speak. When she is normal, not fighting with me, at that time if she speaks those words, I used to laugh secretly but didn’t ever tell her that I don’t have any problem with that because when she uses those words when fighting with me, it hurts like anything. She can use those words so easily for abusing my love. Another thing was whatever stupidity she does, or cheap words she uses, all should be when she is talking to me or around me only. If she will do all these things in front of everyone, people will make wrong perception about her. So I scolded her many times about it. For this too, one day she taunted me that do you like me as a person? Stupid, you will never come to know how much I like you. I love her; pamper her like a daughter everyday in my heart and won’t like her because of these stupid reasons? She loved me or not? If she had, would she have left me like this? Could she talk about leaving me after every fight? Could she shout at me so badly every time and could say so much after every fight? She took all the promises from me but did she ever keep her promises? If she gives the reasons after saying sorry that why did she lose control, why did she do something then it’s completely fine but if I do the same that means I am not being sorry, I said sorry just to talk to her. Did she have any urge to be with me, not for me but for herself? But if love wasn’t there, then what was that, what she used to say in that one month. She used to make me sleep. She pampered me like her son. Every night she used to tell me some story. I too enjoyed that. Whole day she was with me taking all the risk when I was at her place. Whenever she was around me or talking to me, I used to feel special. Now I feel like a piece of shit. For me that was her love only. I was happy that she takes care of me so much. But, yes she loved me. For whatever time period we were together, she loved me and I am sure about it. After that too she was only confused. She was suppressing her feelings as she was afraid that again something wrong shouldn’t happen with her. She says that was attraction or infatuation but I know, it wasn’t. I lost her because of my anger, my expectations. She did so many things for me. She accepted me, thinking that I will be happy, she loved me, she used to make me sleep and what did I do to her? I always made her cry, I always scolded her. I didn’t know I’ll have to pay like this because of my anger and I got one more reason to hate myself now. I lost my sweetheart, my daughter because of me only. But still I love her like anything. I mimic her, whatever she used to say to me. “K**** ab main mar dungi, ab aap pit jaoge, mera mu mere aap, jai bhagwanji” and in the morning her voice, her ladyana like a child, and the way I used to pamper her. I loved it whenever she shared some of her very personal stuffs with me. I still dream how I would have treated her if she had been with me, how I would have done things for her, how I would have taken her on a date, how I would have helped her in selecting her dress, how I would have combed her hairs, how I would have painted her nails, how I would have wiped away her tears when she had been in pain, how I would have made her smile, how I would have given her taken care of my daughter, how I would have asked to sit behind me on bike and grab me in her arms tightly, how I would have put her head on my chest to make her sleep, how I would have woke her up in the morning kissing her and giving her bournvita. I still see that mug and kiss her, stretch her cheeks. I still talk to her photos and laugh at some of her stupid things. I love her too much and I still feel no one can love her and pamper her like a daughter and the way I dreamed to be with her. It’s ok if she takes it as my lust or as my plan or my winning instinct or in whatever way she takes it. But I loved my daughter, I do and I will always love her unconditionally. So what if she doesn’t love me or she hates me or she doesn’t want to talk to me, she will always be my daughter. It’s not a tit for tat thing. I love her too much. I can never hate her. If in anger I said something to her that never means I don’t love her. Probably in past she would have been my real daughter that’s why I feel so strongly about her. When she wasn’t with me in last 1 year then also I loved her every day and still I do love her every day. I talk to myself in her voice and then pamper her like she is a kid. For hours I keep looking at her photos and talk to them, tease her, kiss her, hug her. I lost her because of me only, so God is giving me the punishment for all the wrong things I did with her. I just wish to God she should get someone who would love her too, too, too much and who will never make her cry and things should always fall in her favour as she wants them. She should always be happy. And whatever pains or misfortune or any bad thing God wants to do with her, should be given to me instead of her. She is too sweet kid, my stupid daughter, my shona, my little angel. If really there is a thing like re-incarnation, then I wish that next time, she should be my daughter or my wife and I should remember everything from present so that I can give her more love. I had thought when I will give this story to her on her birthday I will leave some pages blank for her to write the climax of this love story but it ended before that only. So this was the climax and here ends my rejection story. Hey D, by any chance if you read this, I want to say sorry for whatever wrong I did to you. I know many of things what I did can never be forgiven but I can’t undo that. But I am really sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish you get a good person in your life, who can love you truly and who won’t be fake like me.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Complete strory of YET ANOTHER REJECTION

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Saturday, June 8, 2013

Complete strory of YET ANOTHER REJECTION

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